Oh, how wrong I was.

I’ve discovered that 99.9% of all comic strips ever made are friggin’ awful. There have been maybe twenty in the entire existence of comic strips that are worthwhile, and that’s stretching to include the underground comix from the R. Crumb days.

Newspaper comics are too sterile and boring to qualify as serious entertainment, or they used to be funny but quickly got bogged down into shark-jumped wrecks that try too hard to push their agenda down your throat (I’m looking at you, B.C.).

Fortunately, the future of comic strips lies in the uncensored reckless abandon of the Internet, where people like Mitch Clem make hilarious comics like Nothing Nice to Say and Penny Arcade. No webcomics here, I’m trying to go with newspaper comics.

Also, this is MY personal list. These are my favorites. These are the ones that still make me laugh and think and feel and question.

To say that the comic strip medium deserves the following comics is blasphemous and you should be punished for thinking so. These comics outclass the others more than anything has outclassed anything.

Runner-Up:

Peanuts (1950-2000), by Charles M. Schulz:

Don’t kill me. This has a good reason for not being on the list.

Okay, back when Peanuts had just blinked its way into existence in 1950, it was BORING. Sure, there were a couple funny gags here and there, but mostly, it was a bunch of stupid kids. And Snoopy.

But then something strange happened: Charlie Brown’s kite got stuck in a tree. Cue an arc that went on for days on end while Charlie sat near the tree, and other kids stopped by to make sarcastic comments. I think that’s where it started to get its philosophical footing.

By the 60s this strip was doubtlessly the best that ever got in the friggin’ papers. It was clever, it was radical, and Charles sometimes got hit with controversy over some of the jokes he pulled, or even characters like Franklin (the first prominent black comic strip character) or Peppermint Patty (who people continue to see as a lesbian. Why? I guess because she calls Charlie Brown Chuck. I always thought she had a crush on him, but whatever). This was the peak, the Golden Age of Peanuts. So what happened? Well, what usually happens to popular comic strips? They go on for too long. By the 70s the strip was now in a comfortable repetition.

By the 80s, strips like The Far Side and Bloom County far eclipsed Peanuts in intelligence and quality, and they were really edgy. So Peanuts sat back and turned into a franchise zombie, with Snoopy and Woodstock making banal jokes on holiday cards. This continued for twenty years until Charles decided to retire for health reasons (in fact, he died just before the last strip saw print).

That is why I can’t let this strip be on the list. It fell into boring reruns (Rerun was Linus and Lucy’s younger brother by the way) and the other strips never quite jumped the shark. I also find the rampant commercialism disgusting.

Despite that, I’ll never forget Linus telling us the true meaning of Christmas or eternal loser Charlie Brown’s attempts to kick a football.

Sorry Charlie, but you didn’t quite make the cut.

#10: The Far Side (1980-1995) by Gary Larson

Absurd, surrealistic irony is possibly the only way to describe the Far Side. When this strip did it right, it made you feel really sorry for humanity, and when it completely missed the mark, at least it made you chuckle with it’s nonsensical gags that occasionally bordered on non-humor.

The strip’s strange way if looking at the world inevitably produces a love-it-or-hate-it effect: If you love it you like to point out how clever it is, and apparently other people think you’re smart for being able to “get” the strip.

If you hate it, you just think it’s too stupid and out-there.

The fact is, the strip’s comedy came from how extremely depressing it was. Its misery was the key to your happiness, because let’s face it, almost the entirety of the strip featured morbidly obese people making stupid decision after stupid decision. Either that or it featured anthropomorphic fruit, furniture and animals insulting humanity.

The truth about the strip though, is that no one ever really got every single joke. Even Gary Larson.

#9: Dilbert (1989-now), by Scott Adams

The precursor to Mike Judge’s Office Space, this strip is about, ostensibly, the title character’s miserable office job.

After a while of Dilbert’s stupid inventions, the strip finally settled into a vicious satire of office jobs with deadpan dialog that typically avoided punchlines; the humor was mostly found in the exaggeration of the environment, while still realizing the sad truth.

In recent years the satire has started to delve into dark comedy: A recent arc had the Pointy-Haired Boss being killed and used as a hand puppet. Needless to say, for most miserable cubicle workers this strip became something of an catharsis.

Dilbert’s musings, Dogbert’s dry comments, and the Boss’s wanton cruelty have become iconic in recent years. What a great strip.

#8: Fritz the Cat (1965-1972) by Robert Crumb

Screw Zippy the Pinhead, this is the real counterculture comic. One of the original comix written by the beatnik rejects, this comic was originally distributed in head shops because censorship and the Comics Code had such a stranglehold on the industry.

Aside from being a satire as well as a very pointed attempt to offend any Comics Code enforcers within an eighty-mile radius, Fritz was a smart, suave feline in a turtleneck sweater who was very lucky with the ladies. The strip also delved into the psychedelic visions that R. Crumb endured.

The strip’s humor was very low-brow but the jokes were occasionally clever. That wasn’t the point anyway. The truth was, though, the strip was really funny.

Ralph Bakshi made it into a psychedelic mess of a movie (that everyone should see at least once), and R. Crumb was so disgusted with it he ended the strip by murdering Fritz with an ice pick.

#7: Non Sequitur (1992-present) by Wiley Miller

This strip used to be a fairly generic Far Side rip-off, but soon advanced into a political, viciously satirical strip with a decidedly liberal bent.

The most popular character is Danae Pyle, and she is frequently the lead. She’s also my favorite character, because she is the one used to attack everything with pointed satire, sarcasm, and cynicism.

Unfortunately, this strip isn’t quite as recognized as it should be, despite having been around for so long. It’s fantastic and definitely worth taking a look at.

Nowadays, it’s not quite as pointed as it used to be (it was so political that it got moved to the editorial section in some papers, similar to Doonesbury) and it’s format is fairly standard nowadays, but it’s still extremely hilarious.

#6: Pearls Before Swine (2001-present), by Stephan Pastis

Another fairly recent addition, this comic sometimes seems to exist solely for the purpose of insulting bad comics, but is frequently one of the funniest comics around in its own right.

It’s about Pig, Rat, Zebra, and Goat. These animals are really cute, sweet, and funny, which makes the dives into black (and I mean BLACK) comedy, including strips where Rat’s friend Satan comes a-calling, all the funnier.

The strip also employs shaggy-dog or shoot-the-shaggy-dog stories; long-winded dialog-heavy arcs with either no conclusion, a conclusion that leaves the characters in the same state or an even worse state than they were before, or even character death, are common.

That’s not even mentioning Bush’s plan to bomb Mexico, Canada, and Hawaii, Osama bin Laden living with the Family Circus, or “desperasexuals.”

#5: Krazy Kat (1913-1944), by George Herriman

This cat is the only person in the world who would interpret getting a brick hurled at his head as an expression of love. Basically, this comic is about a naive cat who is in love with a cranky mouse named Ignatz (the gender of Krazy Kat is never known, by the way), as well as Offissa Bull Pup, who hates Ignatz and wants him thrown in jail for throwing bricks.

This comic is about as surreal as it gets; in one memorable strip, Ignatz gets his tail hooked on a branch and completely unravels (ironically, Krazy Kat actually warned him about it– strangely, Kat also knew that Ignatz would unravel. Viva la insanity).

This strip is so classic E.E. frickin’ Cummings wrote the intro to the book collection. It’s impossible to overstate the influence that this strip has had on nearly every comic strip in the past half-century. Also, it’s worth noting that this strip was probably a nice relief during World War II– nothing diminishes reality like a heavy dose of unraveling mice.

This strip was the biggest iconoclast of its time, and completely rejected the unofficial comic strip rules. It also pioneered self-referential humor, and, even better, the dialog was phonetic, alliterative, and poetic, bringing an entirely new sensibility to the simple boring hillbilly comics that were around at the time.

#4: Pogo (1948-1975) by Walt Kelly

Walt Kelly is cooler than Walt Disney.

What this strip did was take the entertaining slapstick jokes of kids’ comics and mix them with the wordplay, wit, and satire of a sophisticated adult comic.

The strip was also edgy as hell, taking on Senator McCarthy at the extreme height of his power and viciously berating political figures and human nature.

Though the characters were innocent and likable enough they all represented some human fallacy or another that would allow Kelly to use it to make a point about politics.

Despite the political fascination and Kelly’s satirical skill, the main focus of Pogo above all was making people laugh, which it did constantly. Kelly would randomly create and discard characters at whim– he only needed them to be funny or make a point, after all. An estimate of every character to appear in the strip is well over 1,000.

However, there were several really cute characters, which Kelly would use to trick newspapers into running his most controversial strips– he called the innocent strips the “bunny strips,” appropriately enough.

One of the funniest aspects of the strip was how Kelly, with his great ear for language, created the “swamp-speak” vernacular for the strip and proceeded to make up random words and phrases for the purpose of laughter. You can probably see how influential that was.

#3: Bloom County and its spinoffs (1980-1989, Outland: 1989-1995, and Opus: 2003-2008) by Berkeley Breathed

Few strips have been so funny as Bloom County yet so pointed. The breathtaking work of art that is Bloom County gave birth to Milo Bloom and Opus the Penguin, two of the most iconic comics characters of all time, and the strip was funny enough that its satire was extremely well-received.

The original strip took place in a small town, but the rest of the expanded universe has introduced such a wide range of characters that it’s probably no longer confined to it (even though it pretends it is).

It’s about a bunch of crazy people and pets living in a boarding house in a small, middle-American town.

The original main character was Milo Bloom, who at 10 years old is probably the smartest of all the characters in the strip. He’s also a newspaper reporter and his parents own the boarding house where the action takes place.

Of course, the naive penguin with a herring addiction who pined for his mother, Opus, quickly became the most popular character and took over the strip as well as Outland and Opus.

Don’t forget other weird characters like Bill the Cat (“Ack!”) who became a replacement for Garfield after the end of the strip when all the characters got fired and looked for other comic strip jobs.

Then there’s the Charlie Brown parody, Michael Binkley, who obsesses over pop culture and has his very own “anxiety closet.”

Or one of my favorites purely for his name, Milquetoast the Cockroach.

Classic.

#2: Life in Hell (1977-now) by Matt Groening

What started as an attempt to explain living in Los Angeles to his friends ended up as one of the most beloved yet the most cynical comics ever made.

And yes, it’s made by the guy who made the Simpsons (funnily enough, originally he was going to pitch Life in Hell as a cartoon series but then he didn’t want to merchandise it, so legend has it he made the Simpsons up in the waiting room).

He sold it at Licorice Pizza, a punk record store (awesome!) for two bucks a copy, and then it got picked up by the Los Angeles Reader where it got really popular in the underground.

Matt made fun of school, work, and love in pre-Generation X fashion and the subjects of the comic were deceptively cute bunnies. Two of them, Akbar and Jeff, were gay lovers, and then there’s the main character, Binky, who is depressed and thus normal. Binky’s illegitimate son Bongo shows up every once in a while, as well as his girlfriend Sheba.

Bart Simpson occasionally shows up in the background as a joke, but usually it’s just confined to cute, self-hating bunnies.

And it is hilarious.

And the number one comic strip of all time is…

#1: The Family Circus!

Hah, just kidding

#1: Doonesbury (1970-present) by Garry Trudeau

Revolutionary is the only way I can possibly describe this strip.

Portraying characters in real time? That might not be influential, but it is so original it’s amazing. Also, it’s so liberal that it got moved to the Op/Ed section of the newspaper to avoid complaints from old cat ladies who read the Sunday funnies.

The commentary is wry, dry, and ironic, and the characters are decidedly quite deadpan. The political commentary (I agree with Doonesbury about many things) always is right on time. In fact, they did a Watergate strip in the 70s and then when Nixon died in the 90s he reran it (slightly edited) to mock the way media was representing him now.

Also in the very early 70s, there was one strip that had a very upfront weed reference, and Garry got in a lot of trouble for that.

One of the funniest things I think is that when Garry sent out strips predicting that Obama would win, a McCain spokesperson said that “We hope that the strip is predictive as it is lame.” I’m good at noticing when other people making stupid mistakes, so if they were implying that the strip was lame, then were they hoping Obama would win? And if they were implying they hoped McCain would win, would that mean that they didn’t think Doonesbury was lame? Eh, politicians are idiots.

Either way, definitely a fantastic comic strip, and the greatest.

I love this joke.

Wait, wait, wait, Milo.

Aren’t you forgetting something?

I don’t think I am.

No, I’m pretty sure there’s a large elephant in the room.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes, aren’t you forgetting to mention–

Shut up!

CALVIN AND HOBBES!!!!

I love Doonesbury but screw it, the greatest comic strip of all time is Calvin and Hobbes (1985-1995) by Bill Watterson.

This is the sweetest, most imaginative, most artistic, most clever, and FUNNIEST comic strip ever made.

The comic strip medium doesn’t even deserve something as good as this strip.

The comic was always funny even from the beginning, but let’s face it, the the late 80s weren’t as good as the comics early-to-mid 90s heyday. That’s when the art got really good, the characters were cemented into their personalities, and the strip started to write itself. The sight gags got sharper, and the dialog got a lot smarter. Overall, Calvin and Hobbes was the smartest comic strip of all time, and it’s the funniest. It’s also the sweetest– several strips almost made me cry.

I really wish I could say more about it, but words fail me.

I’ll just say that Calvin, Hobbes, Susie, Mom, Dad, Rosalyn, and even Moe and Ms. Wormwood all have special places in my heart.

As do Tracer Bullet, Stupendous Man, and Spaceman Spiff.

As do the Transmogrifier, the Duplicator, Good Calvin, the Snow Goons, the Time Machine, the Transmogrifier squirt gun…

Man, this comic is just too good! G.R.O.S.S., “2+7 is against my religion,” “But don’t you go anywhere…”

“It’s a magical world, Hobbes, old buddy… let’s go exploring!”

I listened to this album today and since it’s the first couple days since it’s been released I figure I better toss my two cents in before this is outdated.

blink-182 is:

Tom DeLonge on guitars and vocals

Mark Hoppus on bass and vocals

Travis Barker on drums and additional percussion

Released September 27th, 2011 on DGC & Interscope Records

Argh, can this record be infuriating.

Let’s start with the most obvious: I personally don’t think this is blink at their most heartfelt and honest. In fact, I don’t think they’ve been completely sincere with their music since Cheshire Cat and Dude Ranch.

I’m going to address what a lot of people have been saying about this record: “It’s just Angels & Airwaves with Mark!”

Well… yes and no.

First, a little background: blink-182 started out as Blink in 1992 with Tom DeLonge on guitar and vocals, Mark Hoppus on bass and vocals, and Scott Raynor on drums. They played skate-able hardcore in the vein of NOFX and Screeching Weasel with indie-pop influences courtesy of bands like Dinousaur Jr. After three demo tapes and debut album/certified skate-punk classic Cheshire Cat, blink got their first hit with “Dammit (Growing Up)” off one of my favorite pop-punk albums and my favorite blink album, Dude Ranch. This led to their breakout mainstream/TRL hit Enema of the State, an effort catchy and thrashy enough, but too saccharine, leading to the group being hilariously described as “hardcore pop” thanks to crappy single “All the Small Things”; this was followed by their (very slightly) more mature record Take Off Your Pants & Jacket, with arena pop songs like “Stay Together for the Kids” mixed with more punk songs like “Reckless Abandon.” There was more experimentation and darker lyrical themes present here, although it’s overall weak.

Between albums, Tom and Travis formed the post-popcore group Box Car Racer to play with ideas not “blink-friendly;” the songs aren’t terrible but after a while they become tedious. Blink needs the fantastic chemistry between Mark and Tom.

This led to their final record, the extremely dark (Untitled), (unfortunately another pretty weak effort because of the band’s loss of chemistry and Tom becoming a control freak douchebag, dominating the record– all of the bad songs are Tom’s), which foreshadowed both Angels and Airwaves as well as +44. Internal struggles led to blink breaking up and the members went on to separate side projects:

Tom started Angels and Airwaves, who decided to become the “greatest band in the world;” unfortunately their lopsided mix of space rock, “epic-ness,” and Tom’s painkiller-induced haze of stadium pop-rock/laser-light shows dragged the project into the abyss. Tom focused most of his energy on Macbeth Footwear, sold his share of Atticus Clothing, and started his new social networking site, Modlife.

Mark, the more laid-back member, started the gloomy alt rock band +44, which took influence from the Cure, techno, weird indie music, and angsty, energetic post-hardcore. To my shock, it was really, really good, better than Box Car Racer at least.

Mark continues to appear in random side projects, started the website loserkids.com, and now hosts his own show on FUSE, Hoppus on Music.

Travis, previously the least obnoxious blink member, got a few reality shows and was really annoying, then barely survived a plane crash (after which friend DJ AM died), and then released a mediocre solo record entitled Give the Drummer Some.

Afterwards, blink got back together, and they’ve been touring around with the weak support act My Chemical Romance.

So we have Neighborhoods. The biggest mistake I can see with this record is that it’s an unfocused, muddled mess. The biggest compliment I can give it is that unlike other bands like Green Day, who have tried to reclaim the glory of their past, or Metallica, who are trying to erase their past from anyone’s memory, blink seem less focused on their past than not really caring about it at all. I really think Tom could give a damn whether or not people will like this record.

I got the deluxe edition, just so you know:

The album begins with the gauzy, effects-laden Tom song “Ghost on the Dance Floor,” which shows off a contemporary Goth influence. This song wouldn’t be so bad if it were at all memorable, but as soon as it’s gone, it’s gone. You will no longer care about it and instead hope the next song will be good or bad, just anything to end the mind-numbing boredom.

“Natives” is a ‘meh’ song. It’s catchy enough to avoid the sterility of “Ghost on the Dance Floor,” but not intense enough to display actual emotion or talent. The lyrics are good enough. It seems blink’s direction with this album is going for more socio-political, confused, isolated lyrics– much darker than their past material.

Ah, here we go with the big single, “Up All Night!” What a friggin’ stinker. There’s the arena-pop, hip-hop influenced body of the song, which taken for what it is wouldn’t be stunningly bad, but interspersed here and there are these “hard” guitar licks with pounding stadium drums that drown out the bass. The entire composition of the song is disappointing and just lets it all fall flat instead of at least trying to prop it up with some structure, something catchy, a line that’ll stick in your head, good or bad– nada. Blink, please don’t become forgettable. I like you! I care about you! Don’t go the way of the buffalo with songs like these!

“After Midnight” could be forgettable with it’s slacking, mid-tempo pop structures, but the heartfelt lyrics and the sheer intensity of emotion displayed here makes this the first real song worth keeping on this record. It drags a bit and get a bit too saccharine and fluffy, but at least it’s not “All the Small Things.”

Oooh, “Snake Charmer!” What a fantastic title for a song we’re sure will be experimental. And it does start off that way with a little keyboard-influenced guitar, but then BAM! Pounding bass-heavy riff, IN YOUR FACE! Then there’s a little jangly verse, but the riff comes back for the chorus with fast, poppy techno “guitar” over it; it’s alright, I guess. The first time I heard this I thought the lyrics were extremely sexist, but then I figured out that Tom was commenting on the Bible which was sexist itself, so there you go. Lyrics automatically well-thought-out instead of flat-out prejudiced. This song is a B-, man, did I like this after the previous bombs.

I hear this weird little jam, like “The Fallen Interlude” from (Untitled) but a little more rock-and-electronic-influenced. Apparently it’s the “Heart’s All Gone Interlude.” It was establishing the basic rhythm and, though interesting, it was really soft and plush and huggable. I knew this would be the first all-Mark song on the record and I thought, “No, Mark! Don’t go soft on me!”

“Heart’s All Gone” punched me in the face. Fantastic song. Nothing remotely bad about it. In fact, nothing remotely less than spectacular. Super-fast and it recalled the punk days of the band ever so slightly. How-ev-er… it’s much less dense and a thousand times quieter than the rest of the Tom-centric record. Coincidence? I don’t think so. But, it’s a good song. It’s so catchy you’ll have the lyrics burned into your cerebral cortex for at least a month. If I had been in charge of this record this would have been the lead single, I bet people would have bought this record even more then.

“Wishing Well” is a mediocre song on its own. Not especially bad, but it’s like more rock-centric version of “Ghost on the Dance Floor”– just really forgettable. And it would have stayed that way if it weren’t for the lyrics, the lyrics, oh my God you guys, the lyrics. The sheer what-the-hell-does-that-even-mean? obfuscating stupidity just makes this song hilarious. “I reached for a shooting star, it burned a hole through my hand/worked its way through my heart, had fun in the Promised Land.” ¿Qué?

“Kaleidoscope” hurts me, it’s so catchy. Good everything; good lyrics, good bass, good guitar, good effects, good vocals, good drums. Like, ow. I hum this by myself almost as much as I hum “Heart’s All Gone.” The pop song structure might not have worked for another band or even another song on this record but it works painfully well here, except for maybe the debasing fade-out which rips out the support system for the whole song.

“This Is Home,” catchy, poppy, alright lyrics… this song is by no means, at all, bad. But compared to winners like “Kaleidoscope,” “Snake Charmer,” or “Heart’s All Gone…” this song unfortunately just gets left in the dust. And despite the annoying effects on Tom’s vocals this is one of his most endearing performances. Mark’s bass is excellent as well. I hope this song gets recognized, it’s just not as good as it could, would, and should be.

“MH 4.18.2011″ Does anyone else just absolutely love that title? It sounds like a gnarly virus or something. This song is an amazing piece of power-pop despite the bad back-up effects. Mark’s vocals, bass, and lyrics are so compelling that this song trumps up “Kaleidoscope” and is on par with “Heart’s All Gone.” I love it. Why is Mark getting all the best songs?

What is “Love is Dangerous?” It’s practically impossible to confine a song like this to an actual genre… it’s just really mysterious. It’s weak, lukewarm, and lopes off on its own too much, I think. It meanders for so long you can’t remember when it started and it’s slow fade-out makes you think, “Man, I wish this record were better… this song had potential… all the songs could have been good… what a waste…”

But since this is a deluxe edition they haphazardly threw in two extra songs.

The penultimate song is the gross “Fighting the Gravity,” the only bad Mark song on here. I know I’ll get so much flak for this, but it sounds like +44 trying to do Angels & Airwaves. It could have worked. But it doesn’t, and it just floats off into the abyss, like a group of buffalo that the Indians chased off a mountain. And like those poor buffalo, this song goes nowhere but towards doom.

The last song is the rather inappropriate-as-a-closer song “Even If She Falls,” which is more like the three-minute standard radio pop-rock song that I had expected from this record. Despite being a pretty bad choice for a closer (at least “Love is Dangerous” was a logical closure point– this record is starting to feel like Return of the King) it’s very generic and boring when compared to, well, the entirety of the record proper. But I guess on its own it wouldn’t be a bad choice for a single. Then again, “All the Small Things” wasn’t a bad choice for a single, and look where that went.

I’m so legitimately disappointed in this record… gah. This is why I said it’s infuriating.

It’s infuriating because there’s so much wasted talent and potential here, so many stupid decisions, so many missed opportunities. Not only that, but it feels destructive and floundering. It feels like I’m watching Helen Keller set loose in a shopping mall with a bazooka, or Stephen Hawking in the Olympic pool.

This record could have gone places. it could have been good. It could have followed up on the point Box Car Racer left off and been a creative, intense, force.

Unfortunately, Travis’ hip-hop and ska-inspired hard-hitting drumming is not highlighted and he is relegated to being a third wheel. Mark gets the shaft as well despite having the best songs, because Tom is a force to be reckoned with in the studio, especially when he recorded this album by himself and forced Mark and Tom to record their parts alone.

The record is lavished with unneeded effects that weigh the songs down– you can only take so many steroids before you get short and bald.

This record needs some sort of adrenalin to push it through the slow, weak, over-long songs. It’s like Radiohead and the Cure had a baby, and it got left in a dumpster, and this is what happened. It has no one to guide it and push away all the unneeded extras or give it more oomph.

In conclusion, this record is weak. One of blink’s weakest, unfortunately, even more so than Take Off Your Pants or (Untitled). It just feels boring and uninspired, like a big muddled mess. They were trying to be experimental with this record while clinging to the tried-and-true pop format, and I get it, I really do. But if you’re going to explore, you need to tidy the record up or else it just looks like an all-over-the-place, broken, over-wrought, un-thought-out mess, sort of like this review.

Or an album like 21st Century Breakdown…

Uh-oh, did that feel like a teaser to anyone else? Just me getting chills down my spine?

I’m Milo “Mix-Tape” Caulfield and I’ll see ya in a few more months, most likely.

So, using the liberty of Wikipedia, I’m basically going to do one gigantic review of the entire genre, and trust me, we’ll get to individual reviews of artists later, but bear with me.

Let’s start with the progenitors– the earliest known ancestors of heavy metal are Beethoven and Mozart, but most of the bands they influenced are pretentious and boring. Fast forward a few hundred years for the birth of rock ‘n roll… all the cool country, blues, and jazz-influenced cats like Chuck Berry, Gene Vincent, and Buddy Holly. These are pretty much the people the old-school punk rockers looked up to, and metal’s embryonic influences. Basically, what the fledgling punkers looked up to, metal strove, rather pretentiously, to outdo it musically. Right about 1959, when the first wave of rock ‘n roll was dying, the fire was brought back with the birth of psychedelic garage rockers, R&B and Skifflebeat-influenced British bands, rough-and-tumble surf guitars, and the soulful, back-to-roots stylings of folk rock. After the initial wave of that, which gave birth to such amazing artists as 13th Floor Elevators, Count 5, the Seeds, ? and the Mysterians, early and Quadrophenia-era Who, early Rolling Stones, Link Wray,  the Ventures, Woody Guthrie, and Bob Dylan, the freshness became out-dated, tunes began being popped out like tin cans, and so-called experimentation was just pretension and a snobbish (mostly British, what a shocker) attempt to give “artistic credibility” to rock, which it obviously didn’t need. That’s not what rock was about. Unfortunately, that definitely didn’t stop the horrid “progressive” rock bands of the 60s and 70s. Jethro Tull, Yes, Genesis, ELP– gross. It all became stagnant and over-bearing in no time.

In the meantime, prog rock was being undermined by American underground rock– Velvet Underground, Iggy Pop and the Pyschedelic Stooges, and the Motor City 5. This second wave of (technically, as the Beatniks and the second wave of rock qualifies in this category) classic punk artists heavily influenced future metalheads.

For its part, mostly British psychedelic rock was doing its best to break down the constructs that the prog bands worked to create. Syd Barret’s Pink Floyd era and King Crimson played this role to the hilt, although the ultimate psych rocker was of course Jimi Hendrix.

Elsewhere, blues rock and Southern/country rock had merged to form an entirely new beast– hard rock. Sexy, smirking, strong, and mean, hard rock kicked pretentious rockers right out of whatever galaxy the acid had them believing they were in. AC/DC epitomizes hard rock– sarcastic, three-chord, Chuck-Berry-solo-filled tunes cranked out at an at the time frantic pace. Highway to Hell, High Voltage, and Let There Be Rock definitely stand the test of time, although in decades since Bon Scott died and Brian Johnson took over, the band has unfortunately weakened.

The torch of hard rock was carried however, by the psychedelic, screeching feedback of the Yardbirds (Eric Clapton’s only worthwhile work, trust me), the hard-hitting Deep Purple, and the boozy, drug-hazed blues rip-offs that formed Led Zeppelin. And so heavy metal’s first seeds were planted, although it would be a bit until they reached fruition.

The drenched-in-sonic-terrorism Blue Cheer was obviously the epitome of the metal prototype, but the first true metal band was of course the legend that is Black Sabbath. My proof? In that first song on that first record, the Sabbath are totally working that diminished fifth– the devil’s note. Ironic– Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler never went onstage without their cross necklaces. Either way, that sludgy sound influenced countless grunge, sludge, doom, and drone metal bands to this day.

Thanks to the useless repeats Led Zeppelin and the true originals Black Sabbath, heavy metal craze was everywhere, all throughout England in the 70s. This led to what is now known as the New Wave of British Heavy Metal, which contains possibly the most influential bands in the genre, like Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, and definitely one of the best in Motörhead.

And that’s pretty much the birth of metal as we know it. Let’s take an alphabetical journey into the realm…

Alternative metal

So they took watered-down, commercial “alternative” (the bastardized offspring of Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, and Nickelback– none of which were solid in the first place) and combined it with metal. Unfortunately, for the most part this does not work. Breaking Benjamin is the most obvious example of this failed genre. Some stars shine bright in the blackness however– System of a Down and Tool are rock-solid 90s bands. Aenima is pure gold all the way through and SOAD have even gained recognition amongst hardcore underground metal fans. Not bad for a genre that willingly includes Linkin Park. Clutch is also a very good band.

Avant-garde metal

Gross. The descendants of Yes and Genesis. Arctur, Fantomas, and Meshuggah, the most popular bands, would probably turn most mortal men off of “Trve metal” forever. Fortunately, some daringly original and talented acts like the refreshingly jagged, darkly comic Mr. Bungle (no need for time-signature restrictions, and boy, do we love those irregularly-structured chords played high on the neck, yes sir!) have shown us prog doesn’t need to be dragging and boring. Unfortunately for the rest of us, KoRn and Papa Roach basically stole the Mr. Bungle chords, sanded them down, laminated them, and made them safe for children. This I can never forgive.

Black metal

Whenever you see a pimply teen who doesn’t understand the “less-is-more” concept concerning piercings wearing the T-shirt of some obscure, certainly horrid band saying that they enjoy real, brutal metal and enjoy the power of Satan, they’re talking about this kind of metal.

Pioneered in the late 70s and early 80s with proto-speed and -thrash bands like Venom and Celtic Frost, this pretty much guaranteed the fury of Tipper Gore’s PMRC witch-hunts. The problem is, no one really liked these bands, and no one took them seriously, so their influence was weak. Celtic Frost was, at the time, monotonous and couldn’t play well enough yet to make their songs sound powerful, with weak lyrics– pretty much the epitome of failing to bridge talent and self-expression. Venom on the other hand were pretty much the exact opposite of musos, and couldn’t play at all, and failing to disguise this, just decided to bash their songs out as fast as possible and scream shockingly offensive lyrics about Satan. The issue here is that none of the members believed in any of it at all and they were shamed in the Norwegian community in the 90s after this was discovered. However, they did influence several very early speedy semi-thrash bands like Hellhammer, Mercyful Fate (metalheads can’t spell) and the truly scary Bathory. Venom’s best contribution to the metal world was inspiring Slayer, indirectly through early thrashers Exodus.

However, the shrieked, fast songs of Venom reached some oblique, isolated place in Norway where people don’t understand shock value, camp, or sarcasm, and evidently where true Satanists reside. In recent years Norwegian black metal has become increasingly popular, despite church burning and gay beatings in the early 90s (not cool. At all.) but also bringing unconventional structures back to metal. This is where the term love metal came from. Keyboards and irregular songs in generally blast-beat-filled, shrieking metal created a feeling of dread, despair, or outright depression in most listeners. Add to that intensely personal, sincere Satanic lyrics, and you have some very powerful songs for misled fans. Currently the most popular black metal bands are Burzum, Mayhem, Immortal, Satyricon, Emperor, and Gorgoroth. Scary music.

White metal

The direct antithesis to all that black metal stood for, Christian metal generally disgusts most listeners, but recently melodic death metal Christian bands have gained some metal mainstream acceptance– about that, thanks. As a non-demoninational Christian myself, I seriously dislike serious (underlined) religious themes in heavy metal music. Awful metalcore bands like Norma Jean and As I Lay Dying, has-been hair metallers Stryper (Salvation Through Redemption, Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness– gross), lame nu-metal band P.O.D. and “extreme” metal band Mortification are just a few members of the unofficial “Holy Alliance.” What an awful genre altogether. Leave Christian rock to Christian rockers.

Crust punk

Possibly the only metal genre I see no issues with. Crust punk combines anarcho-punk (Crass, MDC, Flux of Pink Indians) with hardcore punk (Exploited ((crap band)), Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat). This fast, distorted, and heavy music with furiously socio-political anarchist, Marxist, or leftist lyrics is combined with heavy riffs and technically talent of “D-core,” or “D-beat–” created by the British anarcho-hardcore band Discharge– the first band to combine angry UK82 music with the American hardcore sound and attitude, along with the crunchy, punchy, punky, thrashy speed metal of Motörhead and Black Sabbath-level down-tuned distortion, basically creating an entirely new genre. This intense, fast, angry, negative music, when combined with the original formula for crust punk and given a dash of technical skill, gives birth to probably the greatest metal subgenre ever. Vocals range from shouted to shrieked to growled to Cookie-Monstered. The best bands are Amebix, Doom, Final Conflict, Litmus Green, Naked Aggression, the Resistance, and Antisect. A notable point, the fans are known as gutter punks, are usually homeless, have stark outlooks on the universe, and are the most fiercely devoted fans of any musical genre ever. They also typically smell really, really bad.

Death metal

The most popular genre among “real” metal fans, although in reality 13.8 % of all purported death metal listeners actually support the genre, death metal is defined as the extreme of metal. Take everything you know about thrash metal– in the 80s, the be-all, end-all of extremes in music– and magnify it by a million. Add in a touch of hardcore anger, some black metal lyrics, vast technical skills, an ability to play in perfect synchronized harmony, and the most vicious vocals ever, and you’ve got the formula for an intensely generic death metal band. I love the support true death metal fans show, trading tapes from Belgium to Panama. However, fake listeners and increasingly average death metal bands have run this genre so far into the ground it’s near extinction. The biggest problem with this genre, however, is how it started as stripped down and vicious but became really pretentious, really quick. Melodic death metal bands like Killswitch Engage, At the Gates, and In Flames, and tech death like Nile, Pestilence, and Atheist have ruined the genre– I much preferred it before the endless, dual/trade-off guitar solos, the strict time signatures, and the pointless melody. Then you have terrible, terrible deathcore bands, the insincerity of blackened death metal, the redundant deathgrind (a subgenre which does its best to ruin grindcore) have further made the genre less viable for any true fan. On the other hand the incongruous refreshing wonder that is death/doom as well as the hilariously original death ‘n roll do provide one with hope.

The first death metal band was Possessed, and they are one of the best. The best death metal band is Chuck Schuldiner’s legendary band Death. Other listenable bands include Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse (not to be confused with the much-better Cannabis Corpse).

Doom metal

Now we’re talking. Doom metal takes Black Sabbath sludge, combines it with 70s minimalism, slows down the speed to the point where the tectonic plates are faster, and creates one of the most original metal genres ever. The guitars are very, very low tuned–the first string sounds like the sixth string if that’s any indication– and the noise is very, very dense and heavy. In fact, it’s early pure noise. The lyrics are similar to black metal in reaction, if not content. The best doom metal band is probably St. Vitus, because they had the guts to sign to SST Records (the label of legendary hard-and-fast hardcore like Black Flag and Descendents but also home to experimental weirdos like Hüsker Dü, Minutemen, Sonic Youth, the Meat Puppets, and the aforementioned Flag) when the underground was focusing on pure speed, and they were one of the originals, as well as the most/least tuneful in alternating amounts. Pentagram and Candlemass are solid too. Gothic metal, drone metal, stoner metal, and sludge metal all credit St. Vitus as their grandfathers.

Drone metal

Ow. My ears hurt after one note of a Sunn O))) song, and they play that same note for ten minutes. That’s not even the first fraction of the song. While drone metal is very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. redundant (that’s not even close to being the written equivalent of drone metal) its’ required as a dose of energy. This is the music that makes you want to listen to loud, fast, thrash or crushingly heavy early grunge.  It’s also tightly related to noise rock, but it’s nowhere near as cool and it does indeed have strictly defined rules. In addition to the crushing Sunn, the least painful bands include Earth and Boris. Ow, my ears are bleeding heavily.

Extreme metal

Despite the name, it’s not normally more extreme than Slayer or maybe Morbid Angel, but the speed, the awful– I mean, strained– vocals, and the propensity for endlessly stupid makeup have landed many bad bands the “extreme” label. Among these include wastes of decibels like Cradle of Filth and Strapping Young Lad.

Folk metal

Not as original as ska metal (an awesomely underground subgenre that combines Operation Ivy, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Suicidal Tendencies, and DRI. Listen to the Flaming Tsunamis and Ninjaspy NOW if you want to hear this great combo), but still pretty entertaining, if only for the fact that the mostly Swedish bands are bad. Very bad. Even their names are terrifyingly awful– Finntroll? Really? Subway to Sally is possibly the only respectable folk metal band, thanks to their very medieval sound. If you want real folk, go to a coffeehouse in Portland where some strapping young college student is strumming two chords on a guitar and singing soulfully. If you truly like this genre, it’s most likely because you can’t stop laughing while listening.

Funk metal

Oh, yeah. I think a common misconception, and something that turns a lot of people off of funk metal, is that it came out of alternative metal. That’s downright slander, in my opinion. Funk metal started with “funkcore”– a brutal fusion of hardcore punk and trippy funk epitomized by the Big Boys, inspired on either end of the spectrum by DC go-go favorites Trouble Funk and the post-punk British weirdos Public Image, Ltd– who were originally inspired by the soundscape blending of Brian Eno and the sheer insanity of Iggy Pop’s Fun House. The first true funk metal band, and the best, is Fishbone, whose punishing mind-bending fusion of ska, reggae, funk, punk and metal would make George Clinton and James Brown wish they could sound half as funky in their prime as Fishbone can spin out effortlessly. Currently, runners-up to the title would include the incredibly funky, hard-hitting Rage Against the Machine, a bit of mid-period Mr. Bungle, and especially Mike Patton’s pioneering power group Faith No More. I’d have to say though, without Fishbone, the best would probably the shredding guitar and beautiful asymmetric basslines of Primus. Primus Sucks! And Living Colour, although not entirely original, are among the closest that blacks have ever been to mainstream metal acceptance (the closest is Ice T’s excellent Crossover Thrash combo Body Count).

Glam/hair metal

I tried to like the original glitter rock artists, I really did. The New York Dolls, Alice Cooper, David Bowie– all amazing artists in their own right, incredibly solid work. But Gary Glitter? Absolutely downright disgusting. So when hair metal hit the airwaves in the mid-eighties, it was like the neutron bomb went off on the mainstream music landscape– everything of organic matter gone, to be replaced by artificial rock walls of plaster and steel, to be knocked down and replaced by the next scarily fast. And they were all of shoddy build, not solid at all. Mötley Crüe, Twisted Sister, and Poison are the most-remembered of this pathetic, worthless lot of bands. Do you remember White Lion, Skid Row, or Def Leppard? Didn’t think so.

Gothic metal

Generally very symphonic and powerful, and as such, boring. This is what happens when you combine power/symphonic metal, death metal, doom metal, and classic goth rock (Siouxsie and the Banshees, Alien Sex Fiend, Bauhaus, Sex Gang Children, et al). See what you get? Pretentious, endless waves of crap that thinks it’s blowing you away. Stay far, far away from Lacuna Coil and Theatre of Tragedy. I will say, however, the death/thrash/grind influenced troupe of Type O Negative are very good.

Grindcore

This used to be the downright best subgenre of metal. Ever. But then it was poisoned by death metal, whose originality was already in its dying throes– even that classic Napalm Death went death after their classic second album. Nowadays the best bands are probably Terrorizer, Brutal Truth, and Pig Destroyer– all of whom are too technical, on-time, and let’s face it, death-influenced and melodic for my taste. Originally, this combined the precision and speed of thrash metal with the drug-fueled, disturbingly fast chaos of crust punk. Napalm Death were the first to figure this combo out, starting as one of the better UK82 Brit-core acts before figuring chaos out in time for their most brutal and best record, 1987′s Scum. Napalm Death wove a tapestry of angry, chaotic noise, a disturbingly cathartic and unsettling experience when one is through listening. The stark, minimalist chaos, characterized by extremely fast, off-time instruments, blast beats, discordant guitars, bass distorted to offensively raunchy levels, growled socio-political lyrics, and a preference for noisy feedback over tune, reached its peak in ’88, the year Napalm Death released its classic From Enslavement to Obliteration album, its last grindcore album, and in some ways, the last truly good, original, or even really grindcore album for any band in the genre. Just listen to the vocals on FEtO; they range from deep, throaty, brutal growling to high-pitched static shrieks of a scream. After this, it was death metal all the way, unfortunately…

Groove metal

After so much negativity, this a relatively good genre. Slowing down thrash and adding in a really heavy blues influence and a slight sprinkling of power metal (without the stupid keyboards) this genre can give someone a really good feel for moshing. It’s mechanical, precise, and very hard-hitting, but at the same time emotional, fluid, and heavy. Pantera, originally a thrash band, were one of the first to make this combo work, with the help of their legendary guitarist Dimebag Darrell (R.I.P.). Lamb of God (their fans invented the infamous Wall of Death in moshing– their singer was legally bound to stop calling for it and attempt to halt it at shows after an over-zealous fan was killed in a pit), the death-influenced, very thrashy Sepultura, and the funk/rap-influenced groove of Machine Head are very good as well.

Grunge

I feel this genre is certainly worth mentioning. Although grunge is much more influenced by sloppy punk and indie rock, that Black Sabbath in the guitar sound as well as the influence of bands such as Alice in Chains and Soundgarden have made grunge one of those neutral grounds where punks and metalheads can meet in peace. The latter-day crushingly droning stoner/groove metal of grunge pioneers and professional sludge-punks the Melvins has helped as well. Grunge began when bored kids, mostly in the Pacific Northwest, fed up with the death of hardcore punk in ’86 and the sterility of metal (thrash had pretty much peaked around ’85 or ’86, and all the mainstream metal bands sucked) combined the droning Black Sabbath and bluesy Led Zeppelin riffs with sloppy, distorted, dissonant hardcore punk. The original batch of grungers included bored hardcore hipsters Black Flag (My War contained epic sludge metal riffs and 7-minute songs like “Scream,” “Nothing Left Inside,” and “Three Dog Night,” Slip it In had atonal, feedback-filled proto-grunge blues rockers like “You’re Not Evil,” “My Ghetto,” “Black Coffee,” and the title track, and the gnarly hard rock/neo-thrash of Loose Nut and In My Head) and Redd Kross (’85 was the year of their trash rock opus Teen Babes from Montesano, while 1987′s Neurotica is frequently cited as the first grunge record) as well as the aforementioned Melvins (literally every grunge rocker owned a copy of Gluey Porch Treatments and the sound was basically super-fast, sloppy hardcore slowed down to a glacial pace).

Sub Pop was the premier grunge label. The most famous grungers in the late ’80s, Mudhoney, put out the debut EP Superfuzz Bigmuff (named after, appropriately enough, distortion pedals) and automatically were preened and put on pedestals by the Sub Pop crew. In the meantime, Alice in Chains took the hard-hitting precision musicianship of thrash, slowed it down, and imbued it with the gloomy, depressing atmospherics of post-punk like goth favorites Joy Division, the Cure, and Siouxsie Sioux. In the process, they created numbingly dirty, heavy, slow, grungy, and sad thrash metal on great records like Facelift and Dirt, making Layne Staley an icon and Jerry Cantrell a guitar hero. On the other end of the spectrum, famously eccentric alt rock/crushing metal artists Soundgarden epitomized feedback-laden, out-and-out weird grunge/metal songs, best exemplified on albums like Ultramega OK, Badmotorfinger, Superunknown, Down on the Upside, Screaming Life, Fopp, and especially Satanoscillatemymetallicsonatas (it’s a palindrome).

Of course, I can’t forget to mention Nirvana. Unfortunately their recording history was extremely brief, and Kurt Cobain was a thousand times more informed by punk rock than metal. However, Bleach, Nevermind, and In Utero are bona-fide alt rock classics– even Iggy Pop loves them. Sadly, Kurt was murdered– sorry, committed suicide, in 1994, which pretty much killed grunge and left the world open for punk, because Nirvana were the biggest band in the world at the time.

Industrial metal

Samples, computerized beats, extremely heavy. Nine Inch Nails, Ministry (ironically started out as a synthpop band) Rammstein, and KMFDM probably epitomize the style best to fans. I was never a fan of much more than that first Ministry record and Nine Inch Nails’ discography, but millions of fans across the globe love it. I’m quite ambivalent on this type of music, so listen to it and decide for yourself.

Metalcore

AAARGH! An assault on my senses! The problem with this genre, once again, is melody. I’m not completely against melody in metal, seriously, don’t get me wrong. In fact, in the late 80s and early 90s, when this was like a more melodic form of crossover thrash, with a more pronounced thrash/death influence, I liked it. Bratty, hard-hitting bands like Earth Crisis, Hatebreed, Converge and Unearth practicing in their garages seemed to revive the scene. Unfortunately, these bands managed to weasel their way far into the Midwest by the mid-90s, where emo and post-hardcore (nothing wrong with the original few waves of these genres) were in full tilt. Screamo had become prevalent on both coasts and this had a profound effect as well. As I Lay Dying, Norma Jean, Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, blessthefall, and more epitomize this new wave of bad, bad, bad bands. The originators were melodic but retained the chugging guitar of thrash and the aggression of hardcore punk. Even when they started to slow down outside of breakdowns (heavy music conducive to moshing, usually introduced in the middle of the song as the vocals become “brutal” and the guitarists play open stringed) and introduced a more extreme vocal styling than screamo “shrieks” it wasn’t bad. But now that the melody, “heavy vocals,” and relatively glacial speed compared to the ripping thrash of the first wave have taken control, this became another genre I’ve lost interest in.

Neo-classical metal

My older readers will remember an outgrowth of hair metal in the 80s called shred metal, created and popularized by (the fun, but tremendously overrated band) Van Halen. Classical metal is like that, but way more pretentious because it overuses classical music’s elements, overly mathematical compositions, and dizzying array of instruments. This genre is a stranger to modesty and minimalism. The reason that I dislike this genre so is because it’s little more than a medium for “talented” performers to show off their skills. Anyway, these performers are little more than fast. After a few years of hard practice, one can definitely master the elements of neo-classical– sweep picking, economy picking, cross-picking, “shred” guitar, as well as whammy bars, distortion pedals, and other over-used effects. Yngwie J. Malmsteen (“the prodigy”), Steve MacAlpine, and Vinnie Moore are the most “respected” of this group of musicians.

Nintendocore

Created in the 90s by the punk, hip-hop, and rave-influenced digital hardcore artist Atari Teenage Riot (the first digital hardcore band, by the way), a bunch of metalcore kids heard the Atari record and thought, “Hey, I can do this!” (Rave and hip-hop being the most DIY-friendly music forms today, as anyone with a Mac can create interesting music) My favorite part of this genre are the samples from classic 8-bit Nintendo and Sega games. Interesting and challenging groups like Horse the Band, the Advantage, and Minibosses (note the video game reference) are the most popular bands in a vastly underrated genre.

Nu metal

Oh, my god… I hesitate to use the word “bastardization” again, but that’s what happened when early 90s rap metal and rapcore artists were combined with a poppy, commercial edge and became the most popular bands in the world around ’98, mostly thanks to that god-awful band KoRn. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this genre at first listen. Listen to “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit, the instrumentals are cool and hard-hitting, and then FRED DURST, I WILL COVER YOU IN HONEY AND FEED YOU TO SUGAR ANTS ONE FINGER AT A TIME! Seriously, what this genre did was take three great genres: rap metal, grunge, and hip-hop– combined them with pop, and completely decimated them. NOTHING in this genre is worthwhile. The “heavy” bass mostly just gives you a headache (even without the aid of subwoofers) and for the most part, the vocals are agonizing! Metalheads, for the most part, should not RAP about how their girlfriends left them! Even bands that were somewhat respectable (Slipknot’s first album was decent death metal) just turned to crap under the sensitive spotlight of mainstream success. In my honest opinion, once a band starts doing stuff that’s not for themselves as artists, they’ve sold out. And I almost never use the word sellout, but it’s useful here. This entire genre exists as a sellout point. Seven-string guitars and samples can be cool, when applied correctly, but not when these boneheads are using them. Stay far, FAR away from this genre.

Post-metal

When the angular, mathematical geeky music of post-rock began gaining popularity in metal circles, this is what happened. The guitars are tuned low, there’s less emphasis on vocals, and the atmospherics of a song are stretched. Bands of this genre usually write very long, very pretentious songs about philosophy. Mostly the song structure will gradually evolve over the course of the twenty minutes of the songs. While it can be interpreted as a pretentious phenomenon, the diversity of the sound can be used as a sort of wind-down from listening to Napalm Death. The most renowned artists are Neurosis, Isis, Cult of Luna, and my personal favorite, Pelican.

Power metal

Most people are acquainted with this genre due to Dragonforce’s cotribution of “Through the Fire and the Flames” for Guitar Hero III. However, I must warn you that band plays at about a tenth of the speed live. These bands place emphasis on happy vocals, in contrast, to, well, every other metal genre. They also tend to have gang vocals in the background, operatic, melodic vocals, fast instrumentals, and a strange affinity for keyboards. Helloween is the best power metal band, but other popular acts like Iced Earth, Blind Guardian, Sonata Arctica, and Firewind are decent as well.

Progressive metal

Oh, no. Most of you will know that I hate prog rock with every fiber of my being (when all those fibers aren’t preoccupied with the multitude of other things I hate). Therefore, as far as I’m concerned, this genre is the spawn of Satan (they might as well be, Yes and ELP are close enough to Satan to qualify). The only exception to this rule is Rush. Everything else, screw it. I don’t really care about “sweeping structures,” “soaring guitar solos,” or “flutes.” And I especially don’t care how skilled the artists are at showing off. Queensryche and Mastodon are the least pretentious/offensive on my ears bands in this genre.

Rap metal

This genre often gets a bad rap for being the father of nu metal. However, great bands like Snot/Tons, the Deftones, Rage Against the Machine, Faith No More, and Stuck Mojo cannot be held responsible for what untalented musical morons do to their music. Despite what Wikipedia says, turntables and samples are used quite often– just look at the Beastie Boys’ License to Ill album (their only rap metal album, and the punk influence basically invented rapcore). Funk is an abundant influence as well.
Sludge/stoner metal

These two genres are closely linked enough for me to combine the two, although sludge metal often use feedback, dissonance, and d-beat for their signature sludgy sound, and stoner metal sounds, well, like what happens when stoners pick up instruments and start playing for a very long time, with a more pronounced influence on blues and psychedelia, where sludge takes its cues from country as well. Stoner metal also has lo-fi, retro production. Both of these genres are very good once one is accustomed to them (which, truth be told, may take a while) but if you’re an adventurous soul, check out Kyuss, Fu Manchu, Eyehategod, Crowbar, Acid King, Acid Bath, and Sleep.

Southern metal

Like the blues-and-country inflected bands of southern rock, but heavier and more aggressive. Imagine a very angry Lynyrd Skynyrd on speed. Superjoint Ritual, Spiderbait, and Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. There’s actually not a whole lot more to this genre. Like industrial metal, I’m kind of ambivalent.

Speed metal

The direct father of thrash metal. It took NWOBHM’s technicality and melody and combined it with punk’s speed and aggression, stripping punk of it’s amateurish texture and getting rid of metal’s pretentious bombast. This genre was AMAZING when it first came out. The best are Annihilator, Accept, and especially Motorhead.

Symphonic metal

Two words: Skip it.

Thrash metal

Oh. YEAH! I adore early thrash metal. Chugging riffs, insane solos, drums that sounded like an old car revving up… man, are those early thrash records cool! If I had to make an all-time, desert island top five thrash metal album list, I’d say… Kill Em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, Hell Awaits, and Reign in Blood. Not counting Slayer’s classic Haunting the Chapel EP. Where this genre went wrong? See, it was birthed from early 80s hardcore punk, and thus had an automatic short lifespan, and at least an expiration date of ’84-’86. So the problem is that it lasted waaay too long for its own good. Strangely, the (arguably) first thrash band, Exodus, started in ’80, donated Kirk Hammet to Metallica, and then released an incredibly lackluster, monotonous first album in ’85 (Bonded by Blood). This is what I’m talking about. Slayer is the only band to put out at least an average record past ’86 (South of Heaven and Seasons in the Abyss are arguably two of the best metal records ever produced). The rest of the Big Four crashed and burned. Metallica hasn’t released a worthwhile album in 25 years, and Anthrax and Megadeth always sucked. My advice? Stick to the classics. And the European “Teutonic Thrash Triangle” of Sodom, Kreator, and Destruction. They’re good too.

So yeah. That’s my review of metal (under no circumstances will I EVER  listen to a genre of music called Viking metal, and I went over classic heavy metal, so it ends at thrash metal). Tell me what you think. And yes, I know this is far, far too long, but believe it or not, I tried to be as succinct as possible. It’s just implausible for me to sum up metal in the space of a Tweet.

Well, I did it, so shut up and be happy.

Green Day is:

Billie Joe Armstrong on guitars, lead vocals, and harmonica

Mike Dirnt on backing vocals and bass

Tre Cool on drums

Jason White on guitars

Released 2001, month unknown, Reprise Records

This Japan-only import starts off with some crazy siren and Green Day testing a few chords before launching into Warning:‘s first obligatory pop song, “Church on Sunday.” I admit that this song was relatively catchy yet still bland when I first heard, but Green Day does it justice here, with Tre’s crazy drum rolls, the bass-heavy guitar line, and a nice acoustic back-up that proves that even when they’re not successful at all, Green Day can still put on a pretty good live show.

Although Green Day admirably improves “Church on Sunday,” they still prove that when they play an excellent song live, it’s really good, with “Castaway” standing out even though we’re only on the second song. One of the best cuts from Warning:, the song turns into an absolute anthem (still using the word!) here.

Another strong track from Warning: (this EP is dominated by Warning: tracks) is “Blood, Sex, and Booze,” Billie’s dominatrix ode which, even lacking a mandolin, manages to sound pretty cool based on sheer catchiness alone.

It was at about this point in the EP that I realized the crowd were only audible when Billie makes them scream really loud. Did they tap the amps for this performance? I’m not sure.

The fourth track is the only one that isn’t from Warning: and it’s “King for a Day” from Nimrod, which sounds absolutely fantastic. Unfortunately there’s no information on who played the brass section, but they really made the song. It sounds great, even when it collapses at the end.

I like the band’s interactions with the crowd on this EP. They tell several people to “Shut up!” and the crowd laughs. One woman requests “All by Myself” and the band starts playing “Waiting.” “Waiting” sounds unimaginably good live, though I can only imagine what Billie is doing that makes the crowd cheer so loudly during the “acoustic” interlude.

“Minority” is the longest track on here. Billie screws with the crowd and does his annoying and dated “Hey-ho” routine, but it’s worth it to get to the harmonica solo. You read that right.

The last song on here is “Macy’s Day Parade,” which sounds far better live than on the album.

Yeah, it’s short, but every single track on this Japanese-exclusive live EP is sweet. If you can find it, I definitely recommend it.

Now, I’m going to review this album how I view the musical adventure itself: triple-layered. That is, I’ll be looking at it from a musical perspective, from the perspective of the storyline (we’ll get to that, don’t worry) and from a political perspective (yeah, we’ll get to that as well). As an added plus, I’m also going to review the B-sides, which are fantastic, but inexplicably didn’t make it onto the album for one reason or another, although they’re better than several songs that did (and we’ll get to that, too)!

First, a little background. Green Day was kicking it, after the immense flop that was the mellow, poppy Warning, in their big suburban houses, having been demoted from the mansions they acquired from Dookie (I kid, I kid).

Basically, the group was no longer functioning as a cohesive unit. They were a complete mess, so disenfranchised by their environment, disillusioned in their hit-making skills, and above all, filled with a burning hatred for stupid rednecks and BS political practices (take a bow, Bush administration!), that it finally started boil over in early 2003, but the fury didn’t explode into a degenerative mess of curled lip, extended middle finger, snot, and renewed political practices– with a well-thought out backstory behind it all serving as both a metaphor for the fall of the American government and for the inherent screwing-up of American youth, with a bonus of acid thrown in the face of the political apathy of the American public– until 2004.

Work on American Idiot started as a loosely-produced album called Cigarettes and Valentines, which I’ve heard bootlegged fragments of, and honestly, it doesn’t impress. The acoustic song “Olivia” sounds as cheesy as stale Kraft and the title track sounds like the twisted love child of “Walking Contradiction” and “Burnout” without the clever songwriting and exceptional musicianship, despite the band’s claim it was a return to loud, fast, hard music. So I guess it’s a good thing the master tapes got ripped off. Apparently Money Money 2020 (by Green Day’s alter-ego the Network) was a re-recording of the album, but since it has a really New-Wave sound, I disagree. And no, I’m not reviewing it.

Despite the devastating theft, Green Day shrugged it off like a cheap striped sweater, believing it to be a blessing in disguise, as the album wasn’t considered “maximum Green Day.” If that’s what helps them sleep at night.

The album started construction with the relatively simplistic eponymous track, but as the band members met to conduct group therapy sessions, they started conducting impromptu jam sessions. Each member would create thirty-second song, then the next would create another thirty-second song and connect it to the last one. They did this until they had about ten minutes. This became the suite “Homecoming.” Billie Joe very quickly wrote “Jesus of Suburbia” as a companion piece and the band became emboldened to continue writing these “songs with a story and political backing” into a big concept album, with influences indebted to bands like the Who (why not, they “borrowed” from the Kinks on Warning) and Queen, with a touch of Broadway flair thanks to musicals like Jesus Christ Superstar. The band even made a pirate radio session to broadcast their jams, and occasional prank phone calls.

Anyway, now that you have a brief background on the album, and the state of the political atmosphere the band was in at the time, here’s a primer for the story, which will be explained more in-depth at the end:

Jesus of Suburbia resides in JingleTown USA (hey, that’s the company that released Stop, Drop, and Roll!!! by the Foxboro Hot Tubs– yet another Green Day side project) and is severely disenfranchised and bored with his life, having sex and bumping stepped-on cocaine to numb the pain of his own worthless life. Sound like anyone you know?

Anyway, Jesus gets sick of the suburbs, heads out the city, gets addicted to black tar heroin (as far as I can tell), develops bipolar personality disorder, falls in love with a radical named Whatsername, gets dumped, OD’s on coffee, and goes back to the suburbs to live miserably ever after. There’s more to it than that, of course, but that’s what the review is for!

As a side-note, none of the music videos from the album, nor the stage play adaptation, should put any influence into your personal interpretation of the story. And trust me, everyone has some variation. What you see here is what I’ve gleaned solely from listening to album, with complete disregard from anyone else’s opinions.

Green Day is:

Billie Joe Armstrong on rhythm, acoustic, and lead guitar and lead vocals

Mike Dirnt on bass, backing vocals, and lead vocals on “Nobody Likes You” and “Governator”

Tre Cool on drums, percussion, backing vocals, and lead vocals on “Rock ‘n’ Roll Girlfriend”

Rob Cavallo on studio piano

Kathleen Hanna (from Bikini Kill and Le Tigre, as well as one of the coolest feminists ever) on guest vocals on “Letterbomb”

Jason Freese on saxophone (and a lot more live)

Jason White on lead guitar, rhythm guitar, and backing vocals live

Released September 21st, 2004 on Reprise Records

So, before kicking into the first act (it’s a rock opera, remember?), Green Day clouts us in the face right out of the gate with opener and lead single “American Idiot”.

Released August 31, 2004

Apparently, Billie Joe wrote the after hearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd song declaring redneck pride. Billie, aghast at such a concept as being proud of being a beer-swilling, conservative, homophobic, misogynistic, sexist, racist conservative (the dictionary definition of a redneck, actually– not all country folk are rednecks, and not all rednecks are country folks, by the way), was fueled by his anger and wrote “American Idiot,” basically the kickboard for the coming firestorm of political lightning.

MUSICALLY: When I first heard this, I was surprised and happy– Green Day, although fine with alternative pop, took the more melodic approach from Warning and married it with the old spark of punk rock left inside of them, and sprinkled dashes of Broadway, Quadrophenia (the Who), Zen Arcade (Husker Du), and Double Nickels on the Dime (the Minutemen) to create the intro to a politically-minded yet storyline-driven rock opera to put such overrated “classics” as Tommy (the Who’s second-biggest mistake, the biggest being not quitting after Keith Moon died) and The Wall (or any Pink Floyd released after Syd Barrett’s departure, for that matter) to shame. “American Idiot” displays some curled lip and spits in the face of the mainstream establishment. The riff is incredibly infectious, the vocals seem exciting, and despite weak drums and bass, the guitar solo shines through as anthemic in a way.

POLITICALLY: Finally, Green Day took the political-satire torch down from their Bay Area brethren the Dead Kennedys, et. al (I’m sorry, Green Day and the Dead Kennedys do have the smartest politically-minded as well as funny lyrics in Bay Area punk rock). These lyrics are great, “Maybe I’m the faggot America, I’m not a part of a redneck agenda” (and that’s not homophobic because Billie Joe is bisexual). It manages to tackle many different subjects in the same song, from Bush’s ill-fated reelection, helped by voter apathy (despite the efforts in Fat Mike’s punkvoter.com) to the uneducated fight in Iraq (manipulated by false claims of WMDs, and don’t you forget it), to the general fall of the American system at large and the dominance of complete morons. Green Day did not jump on the Bush-hating bandwagon; they, along with NOFX, Anti-Flag, Rise Against, and other like-minded punks, created the bandwagon.

STORYLINE: Despite what many others believe, I think that “American Idiot” doesn’t describe the Jesus of Suburbia, per se, but rather voices his opinion on everything, which will eventually lead to his running away. Despite it just being the introduction to a rock opera, to be followed by twelve fleshed-out songs, “American Idiot” manages to hold its own in the storyline department simply on its ability to make us easily visualize such an agitated, fed-up individual who’s decided to be disaffected after being let down by the system one too many times.

“American Idiot” is a prologue to the main story, and should be treated as such, but the first chapter, when we get a feel for not the character that Jesus is, but rather what drives him to leave town and a description of the surroundings that frustrate him so, follows in the track “Jesus of Suburbia”:

Released October 25th, 2005

MUSICALLY: Green Day have arrived! This song, an epic nine minutes long, displays some serious instrumental chops from Tre, Mike, and Billie. Tre, having advanced from “fast with a lot of fills” to “arena rock” in “American Idiot” combines the marching-drum punch of arena and the acrobatics and speed of punk to serious effect in this song, while Mike gets a few bass solos and some really cool playing in “I Don’t Care.” Billie Joe plays mostly power chords through, but plays a bit of piano and includes a pretty cool-sounding guitar solo in the end. This song marries alternative/punk with progressive rock in that it’s kinda long and there’s five sub-songs inside: “Jesus of Suburbia,” “City of the Damned,” “I Don’t Care,” “Dearly Beloved,” and “Tales of Another Broken Home.”

“Jesus” is the most straight-forward, “Green Day-ish” segment here, and is fast, with an anthemic chorus and lyrics that all suburban devo-rats can relate to.

“City of the Damned” switches between a pounding verse and a loud, thrashing chorus with some heavy lyrics.

“I Don’t Care” is a punk anthem practically lifted from the entire 80s hardcore scene. Fantastic.

“Dearly Beloved” is the softest segment, mildly acoustic but with mentally tortured lyrics filtered through soulful vocals.

“Tales of Another Broken Home” starts off heavy, delves into a short piano ballad, and ends out even heavier than before.

POLITICALLY: Yet another very wide-ranging song. Topics vary from divorced parents, to your mom’s stupid boyfriend Brad, to the typical suburban apathy towards the poor kids panhandling outside the 7/11, to the abuse of drugs, alcohol, and TV, to uneducated sex, to the impact of soda and Ritalin on the human psyche, to why religious brainwashing can shatter a youth’s perception of the world around him, to complete distrust and disregard and hatred of authority figures, to paranoia and the feeling that you can’t reach out to anyone and ask for help, to considering suicide, to running away from your wreck of a hometown towards the city in hopes of a brighter future.

STORYLINE: See above.

“Jesus of Suburbia” is a fantastic way to start a rock opera: epic, hard-hitting, smart, and cutting deep into the soul of every apathetic yet inexplicably depressed, detached, and disappointed American suburban youth.

“Jesus of Suburbia” is an amazing song, but is about to be outdone by a song only one-third its length with a handful of its musical virtuosity: “Holiday.”

Released May 7th, 2005

Along with having one of the best covers for a single I’ve seen in a very long time, “Holiday” is arguably the best song on American Idiot period, a perfect slice of pure pop genius.

MUSICALLY: Catchy as all hell. Great solo. Fantastic bridge. Cool, simple yet strung-out bass. Drums that are relatively low in the mix but pound and rattle your head. Awesome vocals. If you thought that “anthem” and “anthemic” were already overused in this review, too bad. Not Green Day’s best anthem, but a great one for the little ones to listen to and expose themselves to the wide world of punk rock.

POLITICALLY: This song has really one thing on its mind: Screw the American government. This song has so many great lyrics, I wish I could just translate them all for you. From the choking of civil liberties (“A gag, a plastic bag on a monument”) to taking potshots at John Kerry and other “liberals” who lost their way and stopped fighting the good fight (“Another protester has crossed the line to find the money’s on the other side”) to finally calling out George W. Bush for the murdering war criminal he should be condemned as (” ‘The Representative from California has the floor…’ Sieg Heil to the President Gasman, bombs away is your punishment! Pulverize the Eiffel Towers ((a veiled reference to the World Trade Towers, which Bush so obviously used as a ploy to attack Iraq, which unfortunately Green Day was too coy to say point-blank)) who criticize your government! Bang, bang goes the broken glass and kill all the fags who don’t agree! Trial by fire, setting fires, it’s not a way that’s meant for me…”), this song has it all and is a great way to attack the Stalin, er, Hitler, er, Reagan, er, Bush administration.

STORYLINE: Basically, Jesus discovers what a mean world it is out there and hates it, as the real world can be even stupider than the suburbs he grew up in. He begins to retreat into a shell.

Released November 29th, 2004

I’ve heard the song that “Holiday” directly flows into, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” described as the “hangover” to the party atmosphere of “Holiday.” I agree.

MUSICALLY: Cliche. Softly-sung vocals with an underlying guitar line and acoustic assistance, followed by the loud, in-your-face-yet-still-safe-for-radio chorus, and an all-acoustic interlude? Basically they ripped off all the classic rock bands, and “Boulevard” single-handedly revived those cliches for liberal use for future faux-punk and femo (fake emo) records. Yet, this is a very densely-layered song, with heavy, audible bass and piano backing. Not to mention, the climactic breakdown featuring slow, precise, bass-heavy power chords and a screeching distorted guitar played at the speed of light is pretty cool live. On the downside, Tre’s studio-produced drum sound is too deliberate and simple to be exciting. It’s like a bad Peter Frampton drummer in slo-mo. Despite all this slagging, “Boulevard” is, I suppose a solid track, if unoriginal. It hardly deserves all of the over-playing and adoration it still receives seven years later, however.

POLITICALLY: The political overtone is definitely not as heavy in this song as most others on the album. It’s about alienation in the government, specifically how we all seem so alone and detached from our so-called leaders, and they could care less about what happens to us in the cold, lonely world out there. There’s also a bit about organized religion trying to control people, but it’s not very present. But it’s not really varied, far-reaching, or intense as the previous three songs and several that follow.

STORYLINE: Jesus is very, very lonely. And he walks a lonely road. This song is one of the most storyline-driven on the album, but there isn’t a lot that the band does with it. Jesus is lonely, walking the thin line in his head that separates his sanity from out-and-out schizophrenia. In laymen’s terms, The City sucks, and Jesus is all alone in the world. One of the parts in this song is Jesus losing the faith in religion that was so strongly instilled in him in the suburbs. These themes are explored more in-depth in the next song, “Are We the Waiting.”

MUSICALLY: “Are We the Waiting” should not be considered a song. It’s a bridge between two musical ideas, the isolation of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and the unrestrained insanity and joy of “St. Jimmy.” It’s simply put, boring to the core. Arena rock at its very worst. Green Day can luckily make a turgid pile of buffalo feces sound good live after being around for so long, but in the studio, I don’t know what they were thinking. Trying to be anthemic (there’s that word again!), I suppose, but the drumming is boring, the bass has completely disappeared from the mix, the guitars are low and dismal, and Billie Joe’s vocals are abysmally echo-y and pretentious.

POLITICALLY: I think Green Day were trying to reach out the lost and tortured souls of their demographic, ie the femo kids who believe Billie Joe wrote “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” about them. It didn’t work.

STORYLINE: Storyline-wise, it’s almost the exact same song as “Boulevard.” Jesus is lonely, he’s starting to lose himself, wah-wah-wah. “The Jesus of Suburbia is a lie.” People say that this is the point Jesus (in their mind, Jimmy) becomes schizophrenic and creates the alter-ego St. Jimmy, a punk rock freedom fighter/drug dealer, yet believes them to be two separate people. I humbly think that St. Jimmy really is a completely separate person that Jesus befriends, because it gives my version of the story that much more impact later on in songs like “Give Me Novocaine” and “Homecoming.” But yeah, it’s mostly whiny. There’s no reason for this song’s existence other than live fodder.

“Are We the Waiting” tries to be a full-on arena anthem, and truth be told it sounds fantastic live, but it’s far too short to be considered anything other than a bridge between sadness and joy. “Are We the Waiting” is a bloated piece of pretentious filler that should be forgotten entirely unless you’re a die-hard enthusiast in American Idiot who knows that they won’t be able to handle a song that instrumentally bleeds into the next song (me, unfortunately).

Luckily, a loud blast of bass-heavy guitar noise, crashing, speedy drums and a fast, palm-muted back-up guitar line leads into the fantastic song “St. Jimmy.”

MUSICALLY: This is the closest Green Day has ever come to crossing the line between pop-punk and melodic hardcore. It’s fast, Tre Cool actually plays the drums instead banging on them oompah-style, and it’s extremely catchy, with a great climax and the shortest guitar solo Green Day has ever composed.

POLITICALLY: This song is the “Thank God” for all those down-n-dirty drug-dealer urban folks who prove to be the “needle in the arm of the establishment.” It’s great that Green Day recognizes these people for what they are: Self-destructive and poisonous to those around them, but necessary as an all-around call to arms for rebels everywhere. Plus, it’s the truth that the mainstream can’t survive without these folks feeding the ability to steal liberally from the underground. Drug dealer/slacker/violent types are the messengers from the volatile, ever-shifting underground society to the complacent mainstream sheep. Jimmy seems satisfied with his role of “that junkie everyone knows and likes.”

STORYLINE: Jesus meets St. Jimmy (in my mind, a real person and not Jesus’s crazy alter-ego) and they quickly bond and become drug buddies as Jimmy exposes Jesus to stuff like pills, heroin, and other downers, but also uppers like ecstasy, meth, and hard drinks like vodka and gin made in a toilet, et. al, much stronger and more potent than the bad weed (well, that’s still ever-present), cheap beer (that too), and second-rate cocaine Jesus was taking at home. St. Jimmy introduces Jesus to the rebellious underbelly and cool people, and by default, becomes one of the main characters in the storyline by introducing Jesus to the rebellious freedom fighter Whatsername. But that’s later. This song is pure drug-fueled fun as Jimmy inducts Jesus into the underground society, tells him that St. Jimmy is the undisputed caller of the shots (“I’m the resident leader of the lost and found”) and foreshadows future chaotic events (“It’s comedy and tragedy, it’s St. Jimmy”). St. Jimmy is personally my favorite character in this storyline. He’s so sarcastic and cool, it’s hard to believe he was envisioned as an alternative to Jesus’s ever-looming depression. He’s the son of a bitch and Edgar Allan Poe, not the son of rage and love, like Jesus. He’s the product of war and fear, the hero of the victimized, the mascot for the lost-and-found bohemian misfits, the “patron saint of the denial.”

Jesus and St. Jimmy very quickly become the best friends in The City’s underground punk scene, far more developed than the rag-tag loser misfits in the suburbs. St. Jimmy is a drug-dealer and occasional user, and thus cannot afford to be an addict, but he becomes the de-facto supplier for Jesus as an accidental drug run ends up with Jesus becoming dependent on street drugs. That’s the next song, “Give Me Novocaine.”

MUSICALLY: Nice and acoustic, but becomes brash, bold, and distorted in the chorus. This makes it sound like “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” but it’s far more mellow with a power-pop sound. There’s a repetitive solo in there, but the song itself falls apart near the end as Green Day apparently doesn’t know how to finish it.

POLITICALLY: Once more, this song is about druggies, but this time Green Day are calling them out for being lazy and numbing themselves to the terrible world around them instead of attempting to do something about it. This is the point of the song: Junkies need to get off their ass and do something about the way the world works instead of trying to make it all disappear for a short time.

STORYLINE: Jesus is an addict and St. Jimmy is his empowerment. Jesus spends so much time drunk off his ass  nodded out on dope or messed up on speed that he doesn’t notice that his life hasn’t exactly gotten better. He’s nearly homeless, residing on the streets with a developed collective of alternative bohemian kids, which might sound great (to all you bohemians reading this at an Internet cafe in Portland or Seattle) but there’s nothing to do other than sleep in a rundown tweaker pad and get screwed up. My money has it that Jesus would be happier on the streets if weren’t so high or drunk all the time.

Through streetwise junkies and basic drug and alternative culture, Jesus starts actually getting involved in politics, riots, and protests, because he meets the love of his life, Whatsername, through St. Jimmy in the next song, “She’s a Rebel.”

MUSICALLY: I guess I understand how some people might call this filler, but I really like it for some reason. The “chorus” (it only semi-exists) is really catchy and the lyrics are great. Plus, the simplistic yet fast and catchy instruments remind of the Green Day of the old days. If you take away the poppy guitar line that’s higher in the mix and clog up Billie Joe’s vocals with snot, then it could sound like something that just came off Insomniac.

POLITICALLY: This song really is a call-to-arms, the basis being that if a girl can be a crazy rebel, then everyone else can too. Won’t someone please start a riot and clear the space to restart?

STORYLINE: The relationship between the drugged-up, static (continuously the same) Jesus and the constantly evolving Whatsername hasn’t quite developed yet. And, this is just my opinion, I think there might end up be a triangle going on between the two and Jimmy.

There are currently only five songs left. As “Extraordinary Girl” expands the relationship between the three main characters (although the focus is on Jesus’s not-quite-platonic relationship with Whatsername), the middle section ends.

MUSICALLY: “Extraordinary Girl” starts out with kooky African instruments, probably the closest Green Day will get to “experimentation” this entire album. Sure, their sound expanded and incorporated different instruments, but when it’s all said and done, Green Day are still defined as a pop-punk band. This song definitely starts out promising, but never goes anywhere. It stays completely monotonous all the way through and lacks even the slightest element of excitement. The only reason to keep this song is the storyline aspect.

POLITICALLY: Many people say there are no political meanings to this song. Not true. Whatsername herself symbolizes America in a way, as her entire attitude represents what we as a country have been going through with the war in Iraq. “Extraordinary Girl” also calls out the girls who wish they could be on the cover of fashion magazines, trying to pretty, as they try too hard to make themselves exceptional.

STORYLINE: Jesus and Whatsername try to continue their relationship after their initial whirlwind romance in “She’s a Rebel.” Jesus learns through their uncomfy dating that Whatsername really is a natural rebel– she was just born that way. While Whatsername likes and loves Jesus for who he is, Jesus is fake. He attempted to carve out a new identity in The City by being a cool junkie and being active in riots, but that’s not who he really is. He’s just an insecure depressed loser from the California suburbs, the Holden Caulfield (from Billie Joe’s favorite book, Catcher in the Rye, which I’m sure helped inspire this story) or Clay (from Less Than Zero) for his new generation. Because he’s not a true-blue rebel, he prefers to be safe, and can’t provide the constant change in the relationship Whatsername craves. To get that, she gravitates into a disastrous relationship with one of her oldest friends, St. Jimmy (if this were a movie, this would be offscreen), but he’s too self-destructive and volatile from being strung out all the time to provide the nice-guy love that Jesus provides. Add to that I think that the bromance between St. Jimmy and Jesus may mean a bit more, this is one of the most confusing and exciting parts of the entire album, despite being musically boring.

As “Extraordinary Girl” fades into staticky record-player noise, the final and most chaotic chapter of American Idiot begins with “Letterbomb.” The whole album has been a pressure cooker, with nothing really happening but slowly building up to something big. As everything around Jesus’s life falls apart, the album reaches its climax in the second nine-minute suite, “Homecoming,” and an epilogue in the form of “Whatsername.”

MUSICALLY: “Letterbomb” is the lost gem of American Idiot. The production quality is dirty and grunge-like, and at times Billie Joe’s voice is distorted. It’s fast, it’s furious, it’s fun, it’s catchy, and it’s much more like classic Green Day than even “She’s a Rebel.” Very highly recommended. One of the greatest songs on the album, with “St. Jimmy,” “Holiday,” and “Jesus of Suburbia.”

POLITICALLY: Instead of inciting riots, Green Day is asking where all the riots have gone. It’s asking why a rebellion hasn’t happened yet, and why we are now so apathetic as compared to how we used to be. In addition, it warns of the coming end of the world, although not in a 2012 way, in more of a “What are we gonna do?” way.

STORYLINE: Whatsername abandons Jesus and St. Jimmy, leaving them alone to rot, saying good-bye with a letter. Whatsername begins by casually mocking Jesus’s failure at having a social life (“Nobody like you, everyone left you, they’re all out without you, having fun”) before deconstructing their beliefs. Jesus is a fake rebel, and therefore his entire “new life” is a lie, based completely on how he tried to make other people feel about him, and it all collapsed. Whatsername is dissatisfied with him and calls him on his self-pitying depression– “You’re not the Jesus of suburbia–” don’t whine about everything. You’re not being nailed to a cross, don’t bother trying to make it seem like you deserve such a better life. She disconnects St. Jimmy’s and Jesus’s close friendship– “St. Jimmy is a figment of your father’s rage and your mother’s love,” harkening back to “I’m the son of rage and love,” and in my opinion, helping enforce the opinion that Whatsername thinks they’re brothers. St. Jimmy does love Jesus, but as a younger brother. “Letterbomb” is the first in a series of events that deconstruct Jesus’s life.

Oh, God, here we go. I was dreading this part of the review…

Released June 13th, 2005

“Wake Me Up When September Ends,” the heartfelt ballad of American Idiot. By the way, the cover of the single for “Holiday” is a million times cooler.

MUSICALLY: Boring, basic instrumentals. Bored vocals. No emotion, just calm acoustic plucking, then a wall-of-pop-rock chorus. Much like “Are We the Waiting,” this song fails to deliver unless played live. The Bullet in a Bible performance of this song is truly touching. In studio, “Wake Me Up” is boring, repetitive, and insincere.

POLITICALLY: I don’t want to knock this song too hard, as it is about Billie Joe’s dad dying. But that happened when he was ten. Green Day has had six records, a greatest hits, and a B-Sides compilation to feature a song about this subject. I understand about closure and it being tough to release emotion, but it Green Day was nearly twenty years old as band and celebrating Dookie‘s tenth anniversary when this record was created. Aside from the personal aspect, I’m sure this song is anti-war, anti-loss-of-loved-ones, anti-invasion-and-occupation-of-Iraq. So am I. I think this song might also be a second veiled reference to 9/11, as “September” is the eleventh track.

STORYLINE: Jesus has lost his innocence. He thought he was happy when he was with Whatsername, but she Letterbombed him. He thought St. Jimmy was his friend, but Whatsername was cheating on Jesus with him, and neither of them told him. He’s more depressed in The City than he ever was in the suburbs, and he is losing connection with the rebels in the underbelly because he wrote off Jimmy. Jimmy himself is also extremely depressed. He can’t stand to see who he just realized is his brother so depressed, and was cut deeply by Jesus’s hatred of him. They both reflect on how happy their lives used to be before they met each other, but now that they know they’re estranged brothers, they can’t separate from each other, however desperately they want to.

After the epiphanies of the two guys, the album climaxes in a fiery explosion of chaos and tragedy with “Homecoming.”

MUSICALLY: More developed than “Jesus of Suburbia,” and doesn’t drag at all, although it’s longer than its fellow sweet. Strong instrumentation with no solos, surprisingly, and Mike and Tre both get to sing in two of the movements. The movements are as follows: “The Death of St. Jimmy” (Spoiler), “Nobody Likes You (Mike),” “Rock ‘n’ Roll Girlfriend (Tre),” “East 12th Street,” and “We’re Coming Home Again.” All of which are very strong segments.

POLITICALLY: This song isn’t very politically motivated, and describes the everyman who leaves home for the city and finds out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

STORYLINE: This is the final chapter of the album, so everything climaxes. In the first movement, St. Jimmy confronts Jesus and says, “We’re f–ked up and we’re not the same, and mom and dad are the ones you can blame.” Having the realization that Jesus will never come to terms with him, and that he is living an overall worthless life, Jimmy goes down to the bay and blows his brains out into the ocean. Everyone in the underbelly treats Jesus like a pariah after Jimmy dies, seeing it like Jesus murdered their leader. The entire underground scene pretty much disappears, leaving Jesus all alone with his thoughts in “Nobody Likes You,” and his thoughts parallel what his mother is thinking at home, as well as what Whatsername had said to him before he left. “Rock ‘n’ Roll Girlfriend,” besides being a Tre Cool biography, is what sparked my theory that Jesus and Jimmy are brothers: The letter is about a rock star who’s living the dream life, but he has a few ex-wives and “A kid in New York and a kid in the bay.” I know New York has a bay, and I think that’s where Jimmy killed himself. Tre’s “bay” refers to the California Bay Area, known for its sterile, boring suburbs like Rodeo. “East 12th Street” outlines Jesus’s futile attempts at living a normal life, either signing up for community service (for possession of drugs and stealing, as detailed in the outtake/B-side “Shoplifter”) or for a desk job, although I’m betting the former because Billie Joe paid for his D.U.I. at East 12th Street. Jesus realizes that trying to live a normal life isn’t working, and so he flees back to “Jingletown” and to the safety and sanctity of his home in the boring suburbs that frustrated him so. Kind of anti-climatic, huh? But it was inspired by Zen Arcade, a hardcore punk concept album that was also anti-climactic. And they already had Jimmy kill himself, a la Jimmy from Quadrophenia.

The album ends with an epilogue that doesn’t explain anything, “Whatsername.”

MUSICALLY: I used to just end the album after “Homecoming” because the beginning of this song was so boring. But for review purposes I sat through this and the climax, featuring “Remember, whatever, it seems like forever ago,” is actually genuinely alright. Definitely not a fantastic song that would perfectly cap off the album like “Homecoming,” though.

POLITICALLY: The one song that actually isn’t politically charged. This is probably the most politically-detached song on the album.

STORYLINE: Jesus burned Whatsername’s photos. He remembers her face, but can’t remember her name, which is probably why she’s been called “Whatsername” the entire album. Despite his attempts to live and let live, Jesus can’t help but ponder what ever happened to her. “Did she ever marry ol’ Whatsisface?”

“Whatsername” is probably the second-most inconsequential song on the album, next to “Are We the Waiting.” I don’t think Green Day has ever played it live. Useless.

I kinda wanna discuss the B-sides to the album. “Shoplifter” explains why Jesus would be doing community service. It’s a pretty solid song, even if it’s barely two minutes long. “Governator” has awesome bass, is sung by Mike, and has some great satirical criticism aimed at Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Too Much Too Soon” is very catchy, the most Green Day-esque song to be culled from the American Idiot sessions. Finally, “Favorite Son,” Green Day’s contribution to Fat Mike’s Rock Against Bush series is a fantastically funny and catchy indictment against George W. Bush.

And that’s American Idiot. This was probably the longest review I’ve ever done, and if you’ve managed to read it all the way up to here, you deserve a frickin’ medal. I couldn’t handle my rambling for this long. But just bear with me for a few more paragraphs here as I attempt to reach a conclusion on this album.

American Idiot is a fairly good album with the most filler/bad songs of any Green Day album so far. “Are We the Waiting,” “Give Me Novocaine,” “Extraordinary Girl,” “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” and “Whatsername” are all thoroughly useless studio tracks that can be overlooked if you’re solely in it for the musical aspect, leaving about an EP’s worth of material left. However, since I’m obsessed with musical consistency I’m stuck with the entire album taking up space on my hard drive. Anyway, each of the B-sides could technically be used to fill the gaps left by the first four songs I mentioned, while “Whatsername” could be forgotten entirely.

The politics should be decimated under their own weight, but Green Day manages to create a solid ideological statement and make it stick. Despite the claims it’s full of liberal back-slapping, just listen to “Holiday.” Green Day’s sentiments ring true– liberals, Democrats, conservatives, Republicans– they’re all the same, and we’re being brainwashed by the new media.

Many people cry “sell-out”– aren’t Green Day a part of the new media? At least they’re trying to do something about the crummy way the world works.

The story is intense and solid. If you’ve ever heard Zen Arcade (which I’ve name-checked like nine times in this review alone) then you’re familiar with the concept of the disaffected youths who ran away from the boring lives in search of better things, only to realize they can’t handle the outside world and have a mental breakdown, returning home. This is obviously inspired by Catcher in the Rye in more ways than one. I think works like stage musicals– the “underbelly” of The City is obviously heavily inspired by RENT– and movies like the adaptations of Quadrophenia and Jesus Christ Superstar played a huge role in the story development.

The impact of American Idiot is huge. Obviously it’s inspired such overbearing, pretentious albums by second-rate poseurs like Sum 41′s Underclass Hero or My Chemical Romance’s The Black Parade. But on the other hand, it single-handedly revived real punk in the new millennium like they did in the 90s, along with Bad Religion, Social Distortion, and the Descendents, plus inspiring a relatively solid, from what I’ve heard, stage musical.

But possibly the best thing about this album is that the band of teenage snot-nosed punk brats from the Bay Area who sang about masturbation, girls, weed, apathy, and depression who named their breakthrough album after poop have woken up to how bad the world is right now, and they’re asking us to help them do something about it. Ultimately, the message is telling all of us apathetic, sarcastic, snarky suburban kids living in a chaotic world full of malcontent and hatred to WAKE UP! and do something to make our surroundings better.

While this was Green Day’s weakest album (for a while, anyway) they could have done much worse. I mean, just look at my descriptions of the album. It’s a mess, and it should have fallen apart, but Green Day were lucky enough to make it work.

Why would I give this a below-average rating? Simple: This album is not Green Day.

There are several good songs, even fantastic songs. It’s a solid album, sure. Everything works and is musically consistent. It’s a darling at awards shows. And yet, there’s something very Green Day-ish missing from the whole experience. It’s the same band, sure. But something’s gone, hopefully not forever. Something I don’t feel quite right without. And honestly, I don’t like that feeling. The feeling that Green Day has shed us old-school fans like this is what they’ve always wanted to do, the record they’ve always wanted to make. Maybe it is. But frankly, it’s not their best.

It’s too political for its own good. It’s very poppy, harming the band’s credibility. The fact that all of a sudden they dressed up in “punk fashion,” dyed their hair black instead of green or blue, and are all dolled up in make-up (especially poor Tre) is inexcusable. Yet, unlike the future disaster 21st Century Breakdown, Green Day sincerely put their back into the whole thing, and that makes the album worth a few listens.

“Longview” was the band’s first video, filmed in the flophouse they lived in rent-free. Featured here are their classic tiny bathroom, old ripped up couch, rabbit-ears television, and butter-smeared plate– all actual artifacts from their punk-house. This is probably their most punk rock video, with the real stars being not the band, but the carefully cultivated zits on their faces. It’s still a pretty good video, dead fantastic for a first try.

After the jaw-dropping MTV success of the “Longview” video, Green Day whipped out their immensely successful “Basket Case” video, which was nominated for nine awards at the 1994 Grammies: Video of the Year, Best Group Video, Best Hard Rock Video, Best Alternative Video, Breakthrough Video, Best Direction, Best Editing, Best Cinematography, and Viewer’s Choice. The video was filmed in black in white, with the colors of the band added in later for both an otherwordly feel and to make the band seem like the only lively people in the hospital they filmed this in– yes, an actual hospital, where they found old dental molds, scratches in the walls, and patient files. The band prove themselves to actually be surprisingly good actors in this video, from Tre’s medication to Mike’s angry fit in his room to Billie’s continuous panic attack throughout the video. There are plenty of references to to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and the black-and-white patients are wearing the torturer’s mask from Brazil.

Green Day burst onto the mainstream pop charts with “When I Come Around,” which was the biggest MTV hit for the band yet.  It’s simply the band walking around San Francisco and Berkeley, occasionally messing with people, along with several shots of interrelated (unbeknownst to the participants) events. jason White (Green Day’s back-up guitarist) and his girlfriend can be spotted here. It’s the worst video from Dookie, but still decent for an early effort. Billie’s striped sweater inspired mobs of people to wear a similar one for the rest of the 90s.

The Insomniac videos start immediately:

“Geek Stink Breath” takes place partly at the dentists, with a punk rocker getting his tooth pulled for no apparent reason. This is inter-cut with grainy VHS shots of the band playing in a basement, cementing this as their most punk video since “Longview.” Apparently, the shots of the tooth getting pulled were so graphic that MTV was forced to relegate it to late-night television, mostly on their alternative block 120 Minutes. Excellent video.

“Stuck With Me” was filmed half in black-and-white, and half featuring color animation created courtesy of punk artist Winston Smith, who not only did the art for Insomniac, but also did an immense amount of artwork for, most notably, the Dead Kennedys as well as several other notable hardcore bands. It’s more like a sarcastic politicized version of Terry Gilliam’s artwork for Monty Python. Good video, but not as good as “Geek Stink Breath.”

“Brain Stew” and “Jaded” had videos that melted into each other, similar to their songs. “Brain Stew” was filmed entirely in sepia, with the band being dragged through a landfill by a bulldozer. There are lots of really strange things that appear: Old ladies with chalkboards, Hawaiian hula dancers, etc. Most likely, they were intended to simulate the effects of hallucination that insomnia and meth use have on your brain. Pretty soon the “Brain Stew” video bleeds back into color when “Jaded” jumps onto the scene. The video was filmed in an insane punk rock style, with wobbly cameras, fast editing, and the reappearance of the Hawaiian hula dancers briefly. The video style was intended to mimic the feel of the song, and boy did it work. Both videos are equally fantastic.

Up next is Green Day’s best video of all time, “Walking Contradiction.” The members of the band, all did their own stunts, even though Billie had to be talked into it by Tre. The video is pure orchestrated chaos. Completely unaware of their actions (allegedly), the band go around the city causing mayhem and destruction everywhere they go. In the end, they drive off in a Ford Pinto!

Now, we’re onto the Nimrod videos.

“Hitchin’ a Ride” kicks things off with a Jazz Age club foolishly allowing Green Day to play. They soon instigate chaos and flee the club. It’s a pretty good video, actually. I like the stylized imagery and the visuals during the bridge and solo are downright hilarious.

Now we get “Good Riddance,” another great video. For a hate song, the video is actually pretty touching, with the other members of the band making brief cameos, as well as featuring several people pondering life and their respective situations.

“Redundant” is an interesting little video, mocking all the mundane things that people do over and over throughout their daily existence, without even really noticing it, but still stuck within a routine. At the end, when Billie interrupts the cycle, we see how terribly entrenched in our routine ruts we actually are. The message of the video is to live life spontaneously.

With the subversively clever “Nice Guys Finish Last” video, Green Day show their satirical side, not only mocking both mainstream and elitist punks alike, but also football jock-ism and undying devotion. Possibly the best of the Nimrod videos.

After finishing that up, we head into their batch of songs from Warning:

“Minority” is an okay music video for a fantastic song. I like Billie’s double horns to the buildings in the “F**k ‘em all!” line. But the CGI effects are downright awful.

“Warning” more than makes up for “Minority”‘s faults. The video is one of the smartest ones ever made. It uses subversive humor to make a point of questioning authority and not being an idiot, along with some pretty hilarious pratfalls from the central character (who, judging by the video, is probably dead by now).

“Waiting” is another fantastic video with amazing special effects and almost an actual plot that seems to go hand-in-hand with the message of the song. Brilliant way to cap off this music video collection.

International Supervideos! is the second-best music video compilation I’ve ever seen (don’t worry, friends, I’ll get to the best soon enough).

But unfortunately, all good things must come to pass, and this is the end of the best part of Green Day’s career. It’s depressing, especially considering where we are now. But don’t worry, friends, good things come to those who wait, and this is Milo Caulfield promising a spectacular review of American Idiot as soon as I can find the time to sit down and write the whopping three-tiered review that Iactually had to plot out and rewrite drafts of.

See you ASAP, guys!

So, Green Day decided not to finish with their greatest hits like so many bands. They released a collection of their hard-to-find songs and B-sides so that fans didn’t have to go through a whole mess to find them.

Around the same time, a few of their new songs had started to float around, including:

“Angel and the Jerk”: An excellent collaboration between the band and Penelope Houston.

“I Fought the Law”: A cover of a 50s rock song. Surprisingly good.

“Godzilla Brain Stew”: Their contribution the Godzilla ’98 soundtrack. Just as crappy as the movie.

“American Pie 2 Scumbag”: No difference between this and the version of “Scumbag” on here. American Pie 2 was the only good sequel in that series, though.

These are pretty easy to find. However, there are a few annoying, glaring omissions:

“409 in Your Coffeemaker (Dookie version)”

“Haushinka (Dookie version)”

“Walkin’ the Dog”

“2000 Light Years Away (Jerky Boys soundtrack)”

“Good Riddance (Insomniac version)”

“Ballad of Wilhelm Fink (Short Music for Short People)”

“19th Nervous Breakdown”

“Alison”

“World vs. World (only ever played live)”

“Don’t Wanna Know if You Are Lonely (Husker Du cover)”

With that said, this is a pretty decent compilation, but being a B-sides compilation, there are several weak tracks. Let’s get started!

Green Day is:

Billie Joe Armstrong on lead vocals and guitar

Mike Dirnt on back-up vocals, bass, lead vocals on “Outsider”, and baseball bat on “Desensitized”

Tre Cool on back-up vocals and drums

Released July 2nd, 2002 on Reprise Records

First up is a song about Billie’s alcoholic days, “Suffocate.” It’s a pretty good way to start off the album, a standard Green Day song.

Next up is “Desensitized,” which passes “Suffocate” up completely. With great lyrics and powerful instruments, this is definitely an album highlight.

After such a great song, unfortunately, we hear “You Lied,” a song so awful I don’t even want to talk about it.

Luckily we’re rescued by a great Ramones cover, “Outsider,” where we hear Mike take lead briefly for the first time.

“Don’t Wanna Fall in Love” feels brief and restrained, not very good at all.

After that is their contribution to the Austin Powers in the Spy Who Shagged Me soundtrack, the instrumental “Espionage.” It may sound repetitive on first listen, but trust me, it does grow on you.

The band follows up on that with the insane hardcore punk cover “I Wanna Be on TV,” originally by Berkeley favorites Fang.

After that is the snarling “Scumbag,” which has great lyrics.

Then comes a really weak Kinks cover, “Tired of Waiting for You.” It’s insanely boring.

“Sick of Me” is average, but fun, while “Rotting” just flat-out sucks.

“Do Da Da” was supposed to be “Stuck With Me,” but the names got switched. It’s still a fun song.

“On the Wagon” has harmonica and alcoholic lyrics. Reminds me of that terrible “Walking Alone” song from Nimrod, and this song sucks just as much as that one.

Fortunately, this album climaxes with perhaps Green Day’s best concluding song ever, “Ha Ha You’re Dead,” a furious hate song written by Mike Dirnt, and it’s purely amazing.

So Shenanigans is the worst of Green Day’s three compilation albums, with a total of nine good-to-tolerable songs and five complete trash songs. Average/mediocre by all means, but there are enough good tracks to warrant snatching them from iTunes.

This is Milo Caulfield saying, get ready for a nostalgia trip and a political firing squad soon…

We all know that a normal band puts out a greatest hits album when they’re on the verge of breaking up forever. Which Green Day was. However, while most bands usually just toss out some of the songs that got an exorbitant amount of radio airplay, Green Day graces us with every single one of their singles, an album track from Warning, a soundtrack contribution, a Warning B-side, and a brand-new track. That’s nearly twice the length of an average greatest hits compilation, and boy, did Green Day know it.

And no, I’m not going to put all the single covers up for this review. Far too time-consuming.

Green Day is:

Billie Joe Armstrong on lead vocals and guitar

Mike Dirnt on back-up vocals and bass

Tre Cool on back-up vocals and drums

Released on November 13th, 2001 on Reprise Records

The album kicks off with the B-side to “Waiting,” one of the superior tracks of their most recent album. “Maria” does its best to one-up “Waiting” as best as it can, which means including a sample from an interview Billie Joe did when he was five (that’s when the prodigy cut his first single) and a surf-rock solo that hearkens back to the Green Day of old. It even has a political fire burning in its gut.

Next up is Green Day’s original track for this album, “Poprocks and Coke.” What a disappointment after the fantastic “Maria.” It’s boring, the bass doesn’t do anything, the drums aren’t given any love, and the solo is just a glorified riff. The lyrics are also really, really, really creepy, despite the pop-rock ruse. Reminds me of “Special Delivery” by the Offspring.

Very fortunately, here comes the Dookie cavalry to save the day. “Longview,” “Welcome to Paradise,” “Basket Case,” “When I Come Around,” and “She” are all represented here in their full glory. Sometimes, maybe too full; at the beginning of “Longview” you can still hear the echo of the final guitar chord from “Chump.” Oh, well. All these singles are absolute gold.

Released July 10th, 1995

Next up is the single that absolutely should have been on Insomniac. This depressing song about Mike Dirnt’s old friend Jason Andrew Relva (who died in a car crash) is absolutely fantastic. Green Day at their lyrical best, and the bass and drums are downright amazing. Billie’s vocals are almost haunting, and the chant at the end is sad, but hopeful as well.

Now they hit you straight in with the powerhouse of the Insomniac singles. “Geek Stink Breath” kicks things off in all its meth-fueled glory, closely followed by the one-two punch of “Brain Stew” and “Jaded,” the sarcastic lyrical assault of “Walking Contradiction” and the loser call-to-action of “Stuck With Me.” In my personal opinion, these are the best songs on this album, very, very, very slightly winning out against the Dookie singles (my third-favorite Green Day album).

Then comes the casual violin of “Hitchin’ a Ride,” announcing Green Day has changed. After that is the emotionally charged hate song “Good Riddance,” the indie pop “Redundant,” and the punk firing squad “Nice Guys Finish Last.”

After the last snarling sneer spits out of “Nice Guys Finish Last” we hear Billie pluck an acoustic before full-out attacking us with “Minority,” making us think in “Warning,” and making us sing along uncontrollably with “Waiting.”

The last track of the album is an album track from Warning, “Macy’s Day Parade.” I think they would have been better off finishing with “Good Riddance,” but this works just as well.

And that’s International Superhits! For a band in its death throes, Green Day still managed to put out a jaw-droppingly fantastic album, excluding “Poprocks and Coke.” Unfortunately, this would be the LAST dazzling effort from this band. To be continued…

Green Day produced Warning themselves. Rob Cavallo was the executive producer, but the band used the knowledge they’d gathered while on Lookout! Records to make this album. Be warned now: the drumming can sometimes sound muddy and mix with the bass (I used to be unable to tell if Mike was hitting the root notes or if  Tre was pounding the bass drum), it’s hard to tell the difference between distortion levels, acoustic is meshed sometimes awkwardly with electric, sometimes Billie’s guitar is absent from the mix almost entirely due to palm-muting, his vocals can sound strange and the computers they used to mix them chops them up in a few songs, and there are several other odd instruments that Green Day wanted to prove they could play which, while working well in the songs, sometimes do not mix well. All that is not to say the record sounds bad all the time– in fact, sometimes the production is great and the pop hooks work well. Also, if you listen to the songs on jazz level with suitable-grade headphones, the bass doesn’t drop out and the drums are crystal-clear.

The record incorporates elements of acoustic alternative and power pop, moving the sound into a distinctive folk-punk direction and the political lyrics add to the flavor. Green Day is still one of the only mainstream bands to stick out in terms of honest politics, along with the Offspring, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, and U2 (we get it, Bono– you care!), and also brings them closer to their older Berkeley brethren. Meanwhile, the pop hooks allow mainstream appeal, which gives the chance of educating the public in politics. It’s obvious the band was inspired heavily by the Kinks’ early work and the work of bands like the Clash, the Jam, the Undertones, the Boomtown Rats, the Buzzcocks, the Descendents (all of which were hinted at in their albums until Nimrod) and even Blondie.

Unfortunately, the album was a flop. It only reached gold status (500,000 copies sold)– extremely low for a Green Day record, all others reaching multi-platinum status. Clearly this is, however, the first alternative pop album– it didn’t sell well, but everyone who heard it started a shoegaze, jangle, or twee band. Not to say people hated the album, because critics loved it. I, personally, thought it was Green Day’s worst, narrowly beating out Nimrod, but still better-than-average. Then Green Day put out American Idiot and 21st Century Breakdown… (oh, I’ll get to those later. Now’s not the time to be throwing salt in open wounds.) I’ll digress and move on with life.

Green Day is:

Billie Joe Armstrong on lead vocals, all guitars, harmonica, and mandolin

Mike Dirnt on backing vocals, bass, and farfisa

Tre Cool on drums, random percussion and accordion

Jason White on back-up, rhythm, and lead guitar live

Stephen Bradley on horn

Gary Meek on saxophone

Released October 3rd, 2000 on Reprise Records

So the album opens with this:

Released December 11th, 2000

“Warning” is probably the best sign that Green Day has changed. It has acoustic guitars, strong bass, simple drums, and this is one of  the best lyric sets on the album. The vocal melody carries the song strongly and the lyrics convey the meaning perfectly obviously without subtle metaphors. This song is about not being an idiot, to question authority but not to do stupid stuff that will end up turning you into an example for a stupid warning label like “Do not eat fish food.” It’s like the politically charged version of “Words I Might Have Ate.” Live without warning.

Next up is the ode to a dominatrix, “Blood, Sex, and Booze.” It’s the more mature, rocking cousin of “Dominated Love Slave” from Kerplunk!. Not only does this song show off a distorted solo and great melody, but it has a mandolin. That’s a good song about a dominatrix, one that also shows musical evolution.

All right, now we have the first real POP song, “Church on Sunday.” It’s about having to make compromises when you’re in a relationship. To tell you the truth, it’s not that bad, but it’s pretty formulaic and obvious. I would have preferred if Green Day had put a couple of unexpected twists in. (Mandolins in a song about a dominatrix. Now THAT’S innovation.)

Next is another poppy song, “Fashion Victim.” The drums are simple garbage, the bass is boring, and the guitar is average. But it has great lyrics… so if you can find a program to block out the instruments and only let the vocals bleed through, do that. Or just write the lyrics down in a little pocket-book and pretend that it’s an original poem. Not bad once you get to the instrumental, and then Billie and Mike do show us some nice harmonizing.

After showing us why a punk band playing power pop can suck, Green Day shows us the absolutely BRILLIANT side of pop songwriting– “Castaway.” It’s an amazing example of how pop hooks, a fantastic bass line, and a cool guitar lick combined with great lyrics about individuality can totally redeem any band from any wrongs they have previously committed. Best example of the pop formula on here.

After “Castaway” ends, we hear a weird electronic beat, before Tre bursts in with a fast drum roll and acoustic guitar and bass start playing against each other in a folk rhythm. Accordion, farfisa, and mandolin are added. This turns the song into “Misery” when Billie starts signing. Don’t even ignore the fact that it’s Green Day. Just enjoy the song for what it is: a pessimistic warning to all those who put immediate gratification before long-term satisfaction. If you make a stupid choice, you’ll live to regret it, or you’ll just die in the name of “Misery.”

Next up, we hear Billie sing, “Wake up, the house is on fire” in an exceedingly cheerful tone. To pull us out of the depths of folk hell in “Misery,” we get another above-average grouchy power pop anthem about how awful the holidays can be for some people, but at the same time, holding out and hoping for the best.

As “Deadbeat Holiday” ends, we get an example of the “Church on Sunday” formula gone wrong: “Hold On.” Ew. Terrible lyrics. Boring guitar. Bass is nearly inaudible, and the drums are so muddy I swear Tre’s playing in quicksand. Don’t even get me started on the useless harmonica. By far the worst song on the album. Unfortunately, without it the flow is actually screwed up, so we’re stuck with it.

Next up, the lethargic malaise of “Hold On” is skewered by the hilarious “Jackass”– the instruments are insanely entertaining after slogging through the previous snooze-fest, and the lyrics– about all the useless pop-punk bands that ripped them off and are incredibly juvenile, but mainly a stab at Enema of the State (the second awful blink-182 album– the only song of theirs released after Cheshire Cat worth anything was “Dammit”) and there’s an awesome sax solo, so there.

The next song is so full of ridiculous pop hooks you’d swear you were listening to a Big Star song:

Released October 29th, 2001

Oh, my God. This song consists pretty much of both great lyrics and rocking instruments, combined with a series of the best hooks Green Day has EVER concocted. Lady Gaga could take a cue from these guys. On second thought, she’d never be able to match the amazing lyrics and the sense of deepness this song has. It’s simply awesome.

After, that we hear a small acoustic riff before bursting in with the most fitting penultimate song Green Day could come up with.

Released August 31st, 2000

After the acoustic riff, the song launches into the most straight-forward punk chorus in the album (with lyrics about Moral Majority! And turning the Pledge of Allegiance upside down! Cool!) before Mike’s catchy bass and the underlying harmonica turn it into one of the finest folk-punk songs ever made. This is one of the first songs Green Day wrote for this album, and it’s the point where there songwriting started to become a bit more politically conscious. This is one of the greatest songs they’ve ever made, in my opinion.

After that, the album cools to a halt with its final song, “Macy’s Day Parade.” Billie’s sad, experienced vocals combined with the VERY simple acoustic guitar line turn it into a ballad along the lines of… “Good Riddance”!? But before Green Day can descend into the land of self-parody, you’ll get what makes this a fitting end to the album as you hear the lyrics. Definitely no “Good Riddance,” but a fine climax if I do say so myself.

And that’s Warning. After Nimrod was released, I thought that was Green Day’s worst– still a good alt rock album, but not up to par with their previous work. Then when this came out, I was convinced this was their worst.

This was by no means an awful album. Green Day would certainly go on to make much worse (I’m getting there, don’t worry), but this album has a few outright stinkers on it, although it carries enough instant classics to bail it out.

Billie Joe was starting to overshadow the band at this point. Although he was frightened to share his ideas and lyrics with his fellow band members, the others thought he was hogging the spotlight and they felt rejected, not like members of the band.

Green Day was actually technically still broken up when they made this. They started practicing for fun at each other’s houses, keeping their minds off the stress of their break-up after Nimrod, and had twelve “inspired” moments and decided to produce their own record. The combination of alternative acoustic, power pop, and folk-punk made this a tantalizing treat for critics, but Green Day was still incredibly strained.

What does any band teetering on the brink of complete self-disintegration do? Why, release their greatest International Superhits!, of course! And what better way to get into a nostalgia trip than to watch all of their International Supervideos! again? This is Milo Caulfield signing off from our local Alternative News source. Don’t get up to any Shenanigans while I’m gone!

It starts off by announcing the “Godzilla Gang from Berkeley…” before Green Day erupts into an amazing acoustic rendition of “Geek Stink Breath.” Now, you can finally understand the words.

After they head into the mandatory-crowd-participation number “Hitchin’ a Ride,” they unveil a new song, “Warning,” played nearly exactly how it would be on next year’s album.

Then they a version of “Longview,” which is surprisingly enjoyable despite not having the original echo and acoustic bass pretty much always sucking.

After that is a spirited “She,” which the band cannot play a bad version of live, no matter how different it is from the original. I’m sad that they don’t play it anymore.

Then is an amazing performance of “King for a Day,” which features Billie strumming and humming through a kazoo for the swingin’ ska horns.

Quickly following this is a beautiful version of “When I Come Around,” with a surprisingly good acoustic solo.

After this is one of the boring songs from Nimrod, “Scattered,” which actually sounds good and like it has depth when played acoustic. I have no idea what this says about me.

Unfortunately, Billie descends into the boring “Hey-ho” routine. Thankfully, it’s short (unlike Bullet in a Bible’s crap), and then they kill the stage.

They end this short benefit concert with the obvious choice, “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”. Although it’s a touching version when stripped of the pretentious cello, it’s a still a hate song. Personally, I think they should have finished with “F.O.D.” (yes, I know, another hate song, but it has depth) or “All by Myself.”

Yeah, it was probably good I didn’t write their set-list.

Anyway, Green Day proves that they aren’t only adept at distorted punk anthems, but also at playing acoustic ballads for the average adult. This performance has depth and is touching. If you can find a bootleg, it’s very well-recorded. Ignore the extra live performance, though, it’s boring and badly-recorded.