Let’s Take a Break… It’s Time for the MASSIVE Heavy Metal Review

In all the years music has been so enormously impactful on my life, fewer genres of music have made heavier impact than metal, except for punk (my favorite metal subgenres are totally punk-influenced).

So, using the liberty of Wikipedia, I’m basically going to do one gigantic review of the entire genre, and trust me, we’ll get to individual reviews of artists later, but bear with me.

Let’s start with the progenitors– the earliest known ancestors of heavy metal are Beethoven and Mozart, but most of the bands they influenced are pretentious and boring. Fast forward a few hundred years for the birth of rock ‘n roll… all the cool country, blues, and jazz-influenced cats like Chuck Berry, Gene Vincent, and Buddy Holly. These are pretty much the people the old-school punk rockers looked up to, and metal’s embryonic influences. Basically, what the fledgling punkers looked up to, metal strove, rather pretentiously, to outdo it musically. Right about 1959, when the first wave of rock ‘n roll was dying, the fire was brought back with the birth of psychedelic garage rockers, R&B and Skifflebeat-influenced British bands, rough-and-tumble surf guitars, and the soulful, back-to-roots stylings of folk rock. After the initial wave of that, which gave birth to such amazing artists as 13th Floor Elevators, Count 5, the Seeds, ? and the Mysterians, early and Quadrophenia-era Who, early Rolling Stones, Link Wray,  the Ventures, Woody Guthrie, and Bob Dylan, the freshness became out-dated, tunes began being popped out like tin cans, and so-called experimentation was just pretension and a snobbish (mostly British, what a shocker) attempt to give “artistic credibility” to rock, which it obviously didn’t need. That’s not what rock was about. Unfortunately, that definitely didn’t stop the horrid “progressive” rock bands of the 60s and 70s. Jethro Tull, Yes, Genesis, ELP– gross. It all became stagnant and over-bearing in no time.

In the meantime, prog rock was being undermined by American underground rock– Velvet Underground, Iggy Pop and the Pyschedelic Stooges, and the Motor City 5. This second wave of (technically, as the Beatniks and the second wave of rock qualifies in this category) classic punk artists heavily influenced future metalheads.

For its part, mostly British psychedelic rock was doing its best to break down the constructs that the prog bands worked to create. Syd Barret’s Pink Floyd era and King Crimson played this role to the hilt, although the ultimate psych rocker was of course Jimi Hendrix.

Elsewhere, blues rock and Southern/country rock had merged to form an entirely new beast– hard rock. Sexy, smirking, strong, and mean, hard rock kicked pretentious rockers right out of whatever galaxy the acid had them believing they were in. AC/DC epitomizes hard rock– sarcastic, three-chord, Chuck-Berry-solo-filled tunes cranked out at an at the time frantic pace. Highway to Hell, High Voltage, and Let There Be Rock definitely stand the test of time, although in decades since Bon Scott died and Brian Johnson took over, the band has unfortunately weakened.

The torch of hard rock was carried however, by the psychedelic, screeching feedback of the Yardbirds (Eric Clapton’s only worthwhile work, trust me), the hard-hitting Deep Purple, and the boozy, drug-hazed blues rip-offs that formed Led Zeppelin. And so heavy metal’s first seeds were planted, although it would be a bit until they reached fruition.

The drenched-in-sonic-terrorism Blue Cheer was obviously the epitome of the metal prototype, but the first true metal band was of course the legend that is Black Sabbath. My proof? In that first song on that first record, the Sabbath are totally working that diminished fifth– the devil’s note. Ironic– Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler never went onstage without their cross necklaces. Either way, that sludgy sound influenced countless grunge, sludge, doom, and drone metal bands to this day.

Thanks to the useless repeats Led Zeppelin and the true originals Black Sabbath, heavy metal craze was everywhere, all throughout England in the 70s. This led to what is now known as the New Wave of British Heavy Metal, which contains possibly the most influential bands in the genre, like Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, and definitely one of the best in Motörhead.

And that’s pretty much the birth of metal as we know it. Let’s take an alphabetical journey into the realm…

Alternative metal

So they took watered-down, commercial “alternative” (the bastardized offspring of Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, and Nickelback– none of which were solid in the first place) and combined it with metal. Unfortunately, for the most part this does not work. Breaking Benjamin is the most obvious example of this failed genre. Some stars shine bright in the blackness however– System of a Down and Tool are rock-solid 90s bands. Aenima is pure gold all the way through and SOAD have even gained recognition amongst hardcore underground metal fans. Not bad for a genre that willingly includes Linkin Park. Clutch is also a very good band.

Avant-garde metal

Gross. The descendants of Yes and Genesis. Arctur, Fantomas, and Meshuggah, the most popular bands, would probably turn most mortal men off of “Trve metal” forever. Fortunately, some daringly original and talented acts like the refreshingly jagged, darkly comic Mr. Bungle (no need for time-signature restrictions, and boy, do we love those irregularly-structured chords played high on the neck, yes sir!) have shown us prog doesn’t need to be dragging and boring. Unfortunately for the rest of us, KoRn and Papa Roach basically stole the Mr. Bungle chords, sanded them down, laminated them, and made them safe for children. This I can never forgive.

Black metal

Whenever you see a pimply teen who doesn’t understand the “less-is-more” concept concerning piercings wearing the T-shirt of some obscure, certainly horrid band saying that they enjoy real, brutal metal and enjoy the power of Satan, they’re talking about this kind of metal.

Pioneered in the late 70s and early 80s with proto-speed and -thrash bands like Venom and Celtic Frost, this pretty much guaranteed the fury of Tipper Gore’s PMRC witch-hunts. The problem is, no one really liked these bands, and no one took them seriously, so their influence was weak. Celtic Frost was, at the time, monotonous and couldn’t play well enough yet to make their songs sound powerful, with weak lyrics– pretty much the epitome of failing to bridge talent and self-expression. Venom on the other hand were pretty much the exact opposite of musos, and couldn’t play at all, and failing to disguise this, just decided to bash their songs out as fast as possible and scream shockingly offensive lyrics about Satan. The issue here is that none of the members believed in any of it at all and they were shamed in the Norwegian community in the 90s after this was discovered. However, they did influence several very early speedy semi-thrash bands like Hellhammer, Mercyful Fate (metalheads can’t spell) and the truly scary Bathory. Venom’s best contribution to the metal world was inspiring Slayer, indirectly through early thrashers Exodus.

However, the shrieked, fast songs of Venom reached some oblique, isolated place in Norway where people don’t understand shock value, camp, or sarcasm, and evidently where true Satanists reside. In recent years Norwegian black metal has become increasingly popular, despite church burning and gay beatings in the early 90s (not cool. At all.) but also bringing unconventional structures back to metal. This is where the term love metal came from. Keyboards and irregular songs in generally blast-beat-filled, shrieking metal created a feeling of dread, despair, or outright depression in most listeners. Add to that intensely personal, sincere Satanic lyrics, and you have some very powerful songs for misled fans. Currently the most popular black metal bands are Burzum, Mayhem, Immortal, Satyricon, Emperor, and Gorgoroth. Scary music.

White metal

The direct antithesis to all that black metal stood for, Christian metal generally disgusts most listeners, but recently melodic death metal Christian bands have gained some metal mainstream acceptance– about that, thanks. As a non-demoninational Christian myself, I seriously dislike serious (underlined) religious themes in heavy metal music. Awful metalcore bands like Norma Jean and As I Lay Dying, has-been hair metallers Stryper (Salvation Through Redemption, Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness– gross), lame nu-metal band P.O.D. and “extreme” metal band Mortification are just a few members of the unofficial “Holy Alliance.” What an awful genre altogether. Leave Christian rock to Christian rockers.

Crust punk

Possibly the only metal genre I see no issues with. Crust punk combines anarcho-punk (Crass, MDC, Flux of Pink Indians) with hardcore punk (Exploited ((crap band)), Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat). This fast, distorted, and heavy music with furiously socio-political anarchist, Marxist, or leftist lyrics is combined with heavy riffs and technically talent of “D-core,” or “D-beat–” created by the British anarcho-hardcore band Discharge– the first band to combine angry UK82 music with the American hardcore sound and attitude, along with the crunchy, punchy, punky, thrashy speed metal of Motörhead and Black Sabbath-level down-tuned distortion, basically creating an entirely new genre. This intense, fast, angry, negative music, when combined with the original formula for crust punk and given a dash of technical skill, gives birth to probably the greatest metal subgenre ever. Vocals range from shouted to shrieked to growled to Cookie-Monstered. The best bands are Amebix, Doom, Final Conflict, Litmus Green, Naked Aggression, the Resistance, and Antisect. A notable point, the fans are known as gutter punks, are usually homeless, have stark outlooks on the universe, and are the most fiercely devoted fans of any musical genre ever. They also typically smell really, really bad.

Death metal

The most popular genre among “real” metal fans, although in reality 13.8 % of all purported death metal listeners actually support the genre, death metal is defined as the extreme of metal. Take everything you know about thrash metal– in the 80s, the be-all, end-all of extremes in music– and magnify it by a million. Add in a touch of hardcore anger, some black metal lyrics, vast technical skills, an ability to play in perfect synchronized harmony, and the most vicious vocals ever, and you’ve got the formula for an intensely generic death metal band. I love the support true death metal fans show, trading tapes from Belgium to Panama. However, fake listeners and increasingly average death metal bands have run this genre so far into the ground it’s near extinction. The biggest problem with this genre, however, is how it started as stripped down and vicious but became really pretentious, really quick. Melodic death metal bands like Killswitch Engage, At the Gates, and In Flames, and tech death like Nile, Pestilence, and Atheist have ruined the genre– I much preferred it before the endless, dual/trade-off guitar solos, the strict time signatures, and the pointless melody. Then you have terrible, terrible deathcore bands, the insincerity of blackened death metal, the redundant deathgrind (a subgenre which does its best to ruin grindcore) have further made the genre less viable for any true fan. On the other hand the incongruous refreshing wonder that is death/doom as well as the hilariously original death ‘n roll do provide one with hope.

The first death metal band was Possessed, and they are one of the best. The best death metal band is Chuck Schuldiner’s legendary band Death. Other listenable bands include Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse (not to be confused with the much-better Cannabis Corpse).

Doom metal

Now we’re talking. Doom metal takes Black Sabbath sludge, combines it with 70s minimalism, slows down the speed to the point where the tectonic plates are faster, and creates one of the most original metal genres ever. The guitars are very, very low tuned–the first string sounds like the sixth string if that’s any indication– and the noise is very, very dense and heavy. In fact, it’s early pure noise. The lyrics are similar to black metal in reaction, if not content. The best doom metal band is probably St. Vitus, because they had the guts to sign to SST Records (the label of legendary hard-and-fast hardcore like Black Flag and Descendents but also home to experimental weirdos like Hüsker Dü, Minutemen, Sonic Youth, the Meat Puppets, and the aforementioned Flag) when the underground was focusing on pure speed, and they were one of the originals, as well as the most/least tuneful in alternating amounts. Pentagram and Candlemass are solid too. Gothic metal, drone metal, stoner metal, and sludge metal all credit St. Vitus as their grandfathers.

Drone metal

Ow. My ears hurt after one note of a Sunn O))) song, and they play that same note for ten minutes. That’s not even the first fraction of the song. While drone metal is very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. very. redundant (that’s not even close to being the written equivalent of drone metal) its’ required as a dose of energy. This is the music that makes you want to listen to loud, fast, thrash or crushingly heavy early grunge.  It’s also tightly related to noise rock, but it’s nowhere near as cool and it does indeed have strictly defined rules. In addition to the crushing Sunn, the least painful bands include Earth and Boris. Ow, my ears are bleeding heavily.

Extreme metal

Despite the name, it’s not normally more extreme than Slayer or maybe Morbid Angel, but the speed, the awful– I mean, strained– vocals, and the propensity for endlessly stupid makeup have landed many bad bands the “extreme” label. Among these include wastes of decibels like Cradle of Filth and Strapping Young Lad.

Folk metal

Not as original as ska metal (an awesomely underground subgenre that combines Operation Ivy, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Suicidal Tendencies, and DRI. Listen to the Flaming Tsunamis and Ninjaspy NOW if you want to hear this great combo), but still pretty entertaining, if only for the fact that the mostly Swedish bands are bad. Very bad. Even their names are terrifyingly awful– Finntroll? Really? Subway to Sally is possibly the only respectable folk metal band, thanks to their very medieval sound. If you want real folk, go to a coffeehouse in Portland where some strapping young college student is strumming two chords on a guitar and singing soulfully. If you truly like this genre, it’s most likely because you can’t stop laughing while listening.

Funk metal

Oh, yeah. I think a common misconception, and something that turns a lot of people off of funk metal, is that it came out of alternative metal. That’s downright slander, in my opinion. Funk metal started with “funkcore”– a brutal fusion of hardcore punk and trippy funk epitomized by the Big Boys, inspired on either end of the spectrum by DC go-go favorites Trouble Funk and the post-punk British weirdos Public Image, Ltd– who were originally inspired by the soundscape blending of Brian Eno and the sheer insanity of Iggy Pop’s Fun House. The first true funk metal band, and the best, is Fishbone, whose punishing mind-bending fusion of ska, reggae, funk, punk and metal would make George Clinton and James Brown wish they could sound half as funky in their prime as Fishbone can spin out effortlessly. Currently, runners-up to the title would include the incredibly funky, hard-hitting Rage Against the Machine, a bit of mid-period Mr. Bungle, and especially Mike Patton’s pioneering power group Faith No More. I’d have to say though, without Fishbone, the best would probably the shredding guitar and beautiful asymmetric basslines of Primus. Primus Sucks! And Living Colour, although not entirely original, are among the closest that blacks have ever been to mainstream metal acceptance (the closest is Ice T’s excellent Crossover Thrash combo Body Count).

Glam/hair metal

I tried to like the original glitter rock artists, I really did. The New York Dolls, Alice Cooper, David Bowie– all amazing artists in their own right, incredibly solid work. But Gary Glitter? Absolutely downright disgusting. So when hair metal hit the airwaves in the mid-eighties, it was like the neutron bomb went off on the mainstream music landscape– everything of organic matter gone, to be replaced by artificial rock walls of plaster and steel, to be knocked down and replaced by the next scarily fast. And they were all of shoddy build, not solid at all. Mötley Crüe, Twisted Sister, and Poison are the most-remembered of this pathetic, worthless lot of bands. Do you remember White Lion, Skid Row, or Def Leppard? Didn’t think so.

Gothic metal

Generally very symphonic and powerful, and as such, boring. This is what happens when you combine power/symphonic metal, death metal, doom metal, and classic goth rock (Siouxsie and the Banshees, Alien Sex Fiend, Bauhaus, Sex Gang Children, et al). See what you get? Pretentious, endless waves of crap that thinks it’s blowing you away. Stay far, far away from Lacuna Coil and Theatre of Tragedy. I will say, however, the death/thrash/grind influenced troupe of Type O Negative are very good.

Grindcore

This used to be the downright best subgenre of metal. Ever. But then it was poisoned by death metal, whose originality was already in its dying throes– even that classic Napalm Death went death after their classic second album. Nowadays the best bands are probably Terrorizer, Brutal Truth, and Pig Destroyer– all of whom are too technical, on-time, and let’s face it, death-influenced and melodic for my taste. Originally, this combined the precision and speed of thrash metal with the drug-fueled, disturbingly fast chaos of crust punk. Napalm Death were the first to figure this combo out, starting as one of the better UK82 Brit-core acts before figuring chaos out in time for their most brutal and best record, 1987′s Scum. Napalm Death wove a tapestry of angry, chaotic noise, a disturbingly cathartic and unsettling experience when one is through listening. The stark, minimalist chaos, characterized by extremely fast, off-time instruments, blast beats, discordant guitars, bass distorted to offensively raunchy levels, growled socio-political lyrics, and a preference for noisy feedback over tune, reached its peak in ’88, the year Napalm Death released its classic From Enslavement to Obliteration album, its last grindcore album, and in some ways, the last truly good, original, or even really grindcore album for any band in the genre. Just listen to the vocals on FEtO; they range from deep, throaty, brutal growling to high-pitched static shrieks of a scream. After this, it was death metal all the way, unfortunately…

Groove metal

After so much negativity, this a relatively good genre. Slowing down thrash and adding in a really heavy blues influence and a slight sprinkling of power metal (without the stupid keyboards) this genre can give someone a really good feel for moshing. It’s mechanical, precise, and very hard-hitting, but at the same time emotional, fluid, and heavy. Pantera, originally a thrash band, were one of the first to make this combo work, with the help of their legendary guitarist Dimebag Darrell (R.I.P.). Lamb of God (their fans invented the infamous Wall of Death in moshing– their singer was legally bound to stop calling for it and attempt to halt it at shows after an over-zealous fan was killed in a pit), the death-influenced, very thrashy Sepultura, and the funk/rap-influenced groove of Machine Head are very good as well.

Grunge

I feel this genre is certainly worth mentioning. Although grunge is much more influenced by sloppy punk and indie rock, that Black Sabbath in the guitar sound as well as the influence of bands such as Alice in Chains and Soundgarden have made grunge one of those neutral grounds where punks and metalheads can meet in peace. The latter-day crushingly droning stoner/groove metal of grunge pioneers and professional sludge-punks the Melvins has helped as well. Grunge began when bored kids, mostly in the Pacific Northwest, fed up with the death of hardcore punk in ’86 and the sterility of metal (thrash had pretty much peaked around ’85 or ’86, and all the mainstream metal bands sucked) combined the droning Black Sabbath and bluesy Led Zeppelin riffs with sloppy, distorted, dissonant hardcore punk. The original batch of grungers included bored hardcore hipsters Black Flag (My War contained epic sludge metal riffs and 7-minute songs like “Scream,” “Nothing Left Inside,” and “Three Dog Night,” Slip it In had atonal, feedback-filled proto-grunge blues rockers like “You’re Not Evil,” “My Ghetto,” “Black Coffee,” and the title track, and the gnarly hard rock/neo-thrash of Loose Nut and In My Head) and Redd Kross (’85 was the year of their trash rock opus Teen Babes from Montesano, while 1987′s Neurotica is frequently cited as the first grunge record) as well as the aforementioned Melvins (literally every grunge rocker owned a copy of Gluey Porch Treatments and the sound was basically super-fast, sloppy hardcore slowed down to a glacial pace).

Sub Pop was the premier grunge label. The most famous grungers in the late ’80s, Mudhoney, put out the debut EP Superfuzz Bigmuff (named after, appropriately enough, distortion pedals) and automatically were preened and put on pedestals by the Sub Pop crew. In the meantime, Alice in Chains took the hard-hitting precision musicianship of thrash, slowed it down, and imbued it with the gloomy, depressing atmospherics of post-punk like goth favorites Joy Division, the Cure, and Siouxsie Sioux. In the process, they created numbingly dirty, heavy, slow, grungy, and sad thrash metal on great records like Facelift and Dirt, making Layne Staley an icon and Jerry Cantrell a guitar hero. On the other end of the spectrum, famously eccentric alt rock/crushing metal artists Soundgarden epitomized feedback-laden, out-and-out weird grunge/metal songs, best exemplified on albums like Ultramega OK, Badmotorfinger, Superunknown, Down on the Upside, Screaming Life, Fopp, and especially Satanoscillatemymetallicsonatas (it’s a palindrome).

Of course, I can’t forget to mention Nirvana. Unfortunately their recording history was extremely brief, and Kurt Cobain was a thousand times more informed by punk rock than metal. However, Bleach, Nevermind, and In Utero are bona-fide alt rock classics– even Iggy Pop loves them. Sadly, Kurt was murdered– sorry, committed suicide, in 1994, which pretty much killed grunge and left the world open for punk, because Nirvana were the biggest band in the world at the time.

Industrial metal

Samples, computerized beats, extremely heavy. Nine Inch Nails, Ministry (ironically started out as a synthpop band) Rammstein, and KMFDM probably epitomize the style best to fans. I was never a fan of much more than that first Ministry record and Nine Inch Nails’ discography, but millions of fans across the globe love it. I’m quite ambivalent on this type of music, so listen to it and decide for yourself.

Metalcore

AAARGH! An assault on my senses! The problem with this genre, once again, is melody. I’m not completely against melody in metal, seriously, don’t get me wrong. In fact, in the late 80s and early 90s, when this was like a more melodic form of crossover thrash, with a more pronounced thrash/death influence, I liked it. Bratty, hard-hitting bands like Earth Crisis, Hatebreed, Converge and Unearth practicing in their garages seemed to revive the scene. Unfortunately, these bands managed to weasel their way far into the Midwest by the mid-90s, where emo and post-hardcore (nothing wrong with the original few waves of these genres) were in full tilt. Screamo had become prevalent on both coasts and this had a profound effect as well. As I Lay Dying, Norma Jean, Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, blessthefall, and more epitomize this new wave of bad, bad, bad bands. The originators were melodic but retained the chugging guitar of thrash and the aggression of hardcore punk. Even when they started to slow down outside of breakdowns (heavy music conducive to moshing, usually introduced in the middle of the song as the vocals become “brutal” and the guitarists play open stringed) and introduced a more extreme vocal styling than screamo “shrieks” it wasn’t bad. But now that the melody, “heavy vocals,” and relatively glacial speed compared to the ripping thrash of the first wave have taken control, this became another genre I’ve lost interest in.

Neo-classical metal

My older readers will remember an outgrowth of hair metal in the 80s called shred metal, created and popularized by (the fun, but tremendously overrated band) Van Halen. Classical metal is like that, but way more pretentious because it overuses classical music’s elements, overly mathematical compositions, and dizzying array of instruments. This genre is a stranger to modesty and minimalism. The reason that I dislike this genre so is because it’s little more than a medium for “talented” performers to show off their skills. Anyway, these performers are little more than fast. After a few years of hard practice, one can definitely master the elements of neo-classical– sweep picking, economy picking, cross-picking, “shred” guitar, as well as whammy bars, distortion pedals, and other over-used effects. Yngwie J. Malmsteen (“the prodigy”), Steve MacAlpine, and Vinnie Moore are the most “respected” of this group of musicians.

Nintendocore

Created in the 90s by the punk, hip-hop, and rave-influenced digital hardcore artist Atari Teenage Riot (the first digital hardcore band, by the way), a bunch of metalcore kids heard the Atari record and thought, “Hey, I can do this!” (Rave and hip-hop being the most DIY-friendly music forms today, as anyone with a Mac can create interesting music) My favorite part of this genre are the samples from classic 8-bit Nintendo and Sega games. Interesting and challenging groups like Horse the Band, the Advantage, and Minibosses (note the video game reference) are the most popular bands in a vastly underrated genre.

Nu metal

Oh, my god… I hesitate to use the word “bastardization” again, but that’s what happened when early 90s rap metal and rapcore artists were combined with a poppy, commercial edge and became the most popular bands in the world around ’98, mostly thanks to that god-awful band KoRn. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this genre at first listen. Listen to “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit, the instrumentals are cool and hard-hitting, and then FRED DURST, I WILL COVER YOU IN HONEY AND FEED YOU TO SUGAR ANTS ONE FINGER AT A TIME! Seriously, what this genre did was take three great genres: rap metal, grunge, and hip-hop– combined them with pop, and completely decimated them. NOTHING in this genre is worthwhile. The “heavy” bass mostly just gives you a headache (even without the aid of subwoofers) and for the most part, the vocals are agonizing! Metalheads, for the most part, should not RAP about how their girlfriends left them! Even bands that were somewhat respectable (Slipknot’s first album was decent death metal) just turned to crap under the sensitive spotlight of mainstream success. In my honest opinion, once a band starts doing stuff that’s not for themselves as artists, they’ve sold out. And I almost never use the word sellout, but it’s useful here. This entire genre exists as a sellout point. Seven-string guitars and samples can be cool, when applied correctly, but not when these boneheads are using them. Stay far, FAR away from this genre.

Post-metal

When the angular, mathematical geeky music of post-rock began gaining popularity in metal circles, this is what happened. The guitars are tuned low, there’s less emphasis on vocals, and the atmospherics of a song are stretched. Bands of this genre usually write very long, very pretentious songs about philosophy. Mostly the song structure will gradually evolve over the course of the twenty minutes of the songs. While it can be interpreted as a pretentious phenomenon, the diversity of the sound can be used as a sort of wind-down from listening to Napalm Death. The most renowned artists are Neurosis, Isis, Cult of Luna, and my personal favorite, Pelican.

Power metal

Most people are acquainted with this genre due to Dragonforce’s cotribution of “Through the Fire and the Flames” for Guitar Hero III. However, I must warn you that band plays at about a tenth of the speed live. These bands place emphasis on happy vocals, in contrast, to, well, every other metal genre. They also tend to have gang vocals in the background, operatic, melodic vocals, fast instrumentals, and a strange affinity for keyboards. Helloween is the best power metal band, but other popular acts like Iced Earth, Blind Guardian, Sonata Arctica, and Firewind are decent as well.

Progressive metal

Oh, no. Most of you will know that I hate prog rock with every fiber of my being (when all those fibers aren’t preoccupied with the multitude of other things I hate). Therefore, as far as I’m concerned, this genre is the spawn of Satan (they might as well be, Yes and ELP are close enough to Satan to qualify). The only exception to this rule is Rush. Everything else, screw it. I don’t really care about “sweeping structures,” “soaring guitar solos,” or “flutes.” And I especially don’t care how skilled the artists are at showing off. Queensryche and Mastodon are the least pretentious/offensive on my ears bands in this genre.

Rap metal

This genre often gets a bad rap for being the father of nu metal. However, great bands like Snot/Tons, the Deftones, Rage Against the Machine, Faith No More, and Stuck Mojo cannot be held responsible for what untalented musical morons do to their music. Despite what Wikipedia says, turntables and samples are used quite often– just look at the Beastie Boys’ License to Ill album (their only rap metal album, and the punk influence basically invented rapcore). Funk is an abundant influence as well.
Sludge/stoner metal

These two genres are closely linked enough for me to combine the two, although sludge metal often use feedback, dissonance, and d-beat for their signature sludgy sound, and stoner metal sounds, well, like what happens when stoners pick up instruments and start playing for a very long time, with a more pronounced influence on blues and psychedelia, where sludge takes its cues from country as well. Stoner metal also has lo-fi, retro production. Both of these genres are very good once one is accustomed to them (which, truth be told, may take a while) but if you’re an adventurous soul, check out Kyuss, Fu Manchu, Eyehategod, Crowbar, Acid King, Acid Bath, and Sleep.

Southern metal

Like the blues-and-country inflected bands of southern rock, but heavier and more aggressive. Imagine a very angry Lynyrd Skynyrd on speed. Superjoint Ritual, Spiderbait, and Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. There’s actually not a whole lot more to this genre. Like industrial metal, I’m kind of ambivalent.

Speed metal

The direct father of thrash metal. It took NWOBHM’s technicality and melody and combined it with punk’s speed and aggression, stripping punk of it’s amateurish texture and getting rid of metal’s pretentious bombast. This genre was AMAZING when it first came out. The best are Annihilator, Accept, and especially Motorhead.

Symphonic metal

Two words: Skip it.

Thrash metal

Oh. YEAH! I adore early thrash metal. Chugging riffs, insane solos, drums that sounded like an old car revving up… man, are those early thrash records cool! If I had to make an all-time, desert island top five thrash metal album list, I’d say… Kill Em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, Hell Awaits, and Reign in Blood. Not counting Slayer’s classic Haunting the Chapel EP. Where this genre went wrong? See, it was birthed from early 80s hardcore punk, and thus had an automatic short lifespan, and at least an expiration date of ’84-’86. So the problem is that it lasted waaay too long for its own good. Strangely, the (arguably) first thrash band, Exodus, started in ’80, donated Kirk Hammet to Metallica, and then released an incredibly lackluster, monotonous first album in ’85 (Bonded by Blood). This is what I’m talking about. Slayer is the only band to put out at least an average record past ’86 (South of Heaven and Seasons in the Abyss are arguably two of the best metal records ever produced). The rest of the Big Four crashed and burned. Metallica hasn’t released a worthwhile album in 25 years, and Anthrax and Megadeth always sucked. My advice? Stick to the classics. And the European “Teutonic Thrash Triangle” of Sodom, Kreator, and Destruction. They’re good too.

So yeah. That’s my review of metal (under no circumstances will I EVER  listen to a genre of music called Viking metal, and I went over classic heavy metal, so it ends at thrash metal). Tell me what you think. And yes, I know this is far, far too long, but believe it or not, I tried to be as succinct as possible. It’s just implausible for me to sum up metal in the space of a Tweet.

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